Kate Middleton is too fat! No, wait. She’s too thin. Actually, scratch that; she’s “curvy,” which is passive-aggressive press-speak for fat. But — whoa, hold on. Cor blimey, did you see that bird when she made an appearance in Northern Ireland recently? Middleton is gaunt. Gaunt!
The British press, never known for its subtlety, is having quite a high tea over the precise weight of its princess-to-be. The adjectives appearing immediately before Middleton’s name have ranged in recent weeks — the same set of weeks, mind you — from “curvy” to “willowy.”
Per the Mail Online: “Kate Middleton 'desperate to gain a dress size' as wedding pressure takes its toll.”
But over at Yahoo, the take is: “Kate Middleton Diets to Lose Weight Before April.”
And, oh, in case you were wondering: “Kate Middleton enjoys bags of Haribo ahead of wedding day.” Say, thanks, again, Daily Mail!
In wagging its tongue over Middleton’s palate, the English press is upholding a tradition as old beefeaters (OMG, is Middleton eating beef?! Can she do that? Will that make her fat?) and hedgerows. In the months leading to Diana Spencer’s wedding to Middleton’s future father-in-law, the press took great delight in reporting how many “stone” the lady lost before the big day; the process even earned its own nickname: Di-et.
After that royal wedding, it got only worse.
“Diana likes candies and has a tendency to put on weight,” UPI hissed in 1982.
It didn’t end with Diana, of course, who famously went on to battle bulimia before her death in a car accident in 1997. Sarah Ferguson faced just as much bodily scrutiny during the run-up to her 1986 wedding to Prince Andrew.
“Sarah is nothing,” the Courier-Mail sniffed, “if not hearty.”
All this talk, of course, applies only to the ladies of the Windsor royal house, not the gents. Of all the major, recent stories involving the British royal family, only one has mentioned a prince’s weight. The story was about Harry, not William, and it was in the context of Hal’s brave bid to explore the North Pole this month.
From the Press Association:
Logistics and training manager Henry Cookson said each member of the [exploration] team will be required to consume around 6,000 calories a day — three times the amount the average male consumes.
Between now and when they leave, they will be eating considerably more than usual with the aim of putting on more weight.
"It gives you insulation against the cold,'' Mr. Cookson said.
Well, yes. That "insulation" also, apparently, provides a nice buffer against the tabloids; none of them have mentioned anything about Harry’s efforts at bulking up.
Gee, is it just us, or is Will’s face looking a little “curvy” these days?
— Leslie Gornstein
Photos: Katherine Middleton. Credits (from left): Chris Jackson / Getty Images, Toby Melville / Reuters, Dylan Martinez / Reuters, Sang Tan / Associated Press.