Bastard Machine

Google's endless reach and ubiquitous presence are not the primary elements of hair-pulling, roof-jumping worry for television executives. It's not even that they own YouTube, easily the biggest threat to the future of the television industry (but currently only a mild pest, a time-waster of stupid animal and human tricks, etc.).

If you're a parent holed up in the Oakwood Toluca Hills apartment complex -- where the dreams of all the precocious kids who want a career in Hollywood marinate, waiting for their big casting call -- these are not good days. Billy Ray Cyrus is telling people that Hannah Montana ruined his family and put daughter Miley on a path of debauchery. Lindsay Lohan seems incapable of keeping out of trouble, out of the tabloids and out of her own way. And Charlie Sheen is annoyed that people won't let him go back to work instead of staying in rehab.

His logic -- all of this stuff about coke, hookers and crack isn't anybody's business if I show up to work and do my job. Meanwhile, Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and A Half Men and thus Sheen's boss, joked, "If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed."

Which was probably cold comfort to Martin Sheen.

But Charlie Sheen is a grown man who has, at least so far, lived a predictably dicey life in Hollywood after being born into the business. You'd almost expect him to know better, because he was raised by insiders who knew what the life can do to you. Maybe he was told and didn't listen - couldn't call it unexpected.

It's the elder Cyrus' tale to GQ that fascinates more because it has so many layers. First and foremost, one would hope that any parent with a functioning brain pan would have heard the Hollywood horror stories about child actors so many times it would have stuck by now. If you want to be famous, if you want to be a star, be very, very careful what you wish for -- particularly if you wish it on your kids. How many stories are out there? Can Google even tabulate them all?

I've used up my week's worth of crankiness having to rid my screen of the names Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, LIndsay Lohan, Harry's Law, American Idol and so on. There's only so much soul crushing link-clicking that one person can take (or try to avoid).

And then there came word that NBC gave the green light to formerly junked, formerly green-lit dramatic series Prime Suspect, the British series starring Helen Mirren that is, arguably, in the upper pantheon of best televisions series ever made.  Now, I have a feeling Robert Greenblatt, aka Yes, I Can Make That Work, was momentarily distracted from the world's largest reclamation project, aka NBC, and looked at the astonishingly wrong-headed idea to remake Prime Suspect and thought, "Wait just a minute. I think I can make that work. Let's stay positive. Go with it." 

Which is, as all Prime Suspect fans must agree, counterintuitive to both sanity and taste. Yes, the naysayers will jump out and rub the American remake of The Office in all of our sour, doubting mugs. And they will be right about that. But they will be wrong about the likelihood that NBC will be afforded two miracles. For the record, I could not have been more against the NBC remake of The Office. Not long after that, I could not have been more wrong, period. The show worked. They kept the spirit and made it their own, which is probably the hopeful mantra of the people behind Prime Suspect.

In honor of Keith Olbermann proclaiming today that he will announce tomorrow -- via conference call at 11 a.m. EST -- his next adventure, I thought I'd revisit this blog I posted the night Olbermann told the world on the air that he was leaving MSNBC. But this time, I'm going to add five more possibilities -- because what's an update without fresh material.

The five new possibilities of what Olbermann will announce:

1. He's going to be involved in a massive new online venture that involves either politics or sports. Outside of porn, there are two entities people might actually pay to access through a wall on the interwebs -- and that's politics and sports. Olbermann knows a lot about both and if he's connected with other partners, as the invitation to the conference call suggests, that could mean other high profile people will be joining him or said partners are the kind of financial backing that would have to be in place to make such a venture work. 

2. He's going to run for office - perhaps Sen. Joe Lieberman's seat in Connecticut. Would this surprise you? He'd probably win it, too. Do you want to be in a debate with him? No, actually, you don't. He'd crush you like a grape. And if he did run, both Fox and MSNBC would have to deal with him -- just when they thought their respective headaches were all better, too.

3. He's going back to his radio roots. Not on satellite radio, either. Hey, is Air America still up and running? No? Well, maybe KO is going to be the anchor on something similar to that (plus he'd have already signed on a cadre of like-minded people -- hopefully big names. Is there anything in former Air America persona Rachel Maddow's contract with MSNBC to keep her off the radio?) Maybe Olbermann is sick of politics and wants to talk sports again on ESPN radio?

4. He's going to be a host on The X Factor with Simon Cowell. What, you think that's crazy? Does he know anything about music? He's a polymath, so maybe. But then again, does Paula Abdul really know anything about music? Did Piers Morgan, when he was on The X Factor in England? Who's more Piers Morganian than Keith Olbermann? Music isn't bought by music industry insiders. It's 

5. He's writing a book/making a documentary. About everybody. Fox, MSNBC, ESPN, etc. etc. He's already written books. He's comfortable in front of a camera. He knows how to do this thing in his sleep, people. But this time, it's going to be touted as a tell-all or shocking (funny?) look at big media and politics. Whatever that means.

Long after The Wire ended, it was always weird to see characters we all loved there pop up somewhere else. Remember when Omar (Michael K. Williams) played a cop in the movie Gone Baby Gone? Strange. Or when any number of Wire characters suddenly appeared on Law & Order (half the cast must have made appearances on Numb3rs as well). It's always strange and sometimes shocking.

Have you ever turned on the television and then been too lazy to change the channel (well, we know that part is true) and "accidentally" sat through two hours of the lamest broadcast network garbage you can imagine?

I hope not. Have some self-respect. We live in a world of remotes. Press the buttons, already.

However, one look at the winter schedule the networks are foisting on us right now opens up a world of weakness.

I always have loved the title to Gordon Lish's collection of short stories: What I Know So Far. It's kind of like an accounting of things in your life to that point --  you dump out your pockets, thoughts and secrets and a little story emerges. Well, since a lot of people who followed me from my days (well, decade plus) at the San Francisco Chronicle have complained about older stories and reviews being locked down, available to subscribers only, I decided to do something about it. I asked for and got permission to unlock them all. (I still think it's completely worth it to subscribe - the magazine looks fantastic and has a lot of interesting stories in it each week. And no, I'm not just spouting the company line) Anyway, the whole unlocking thing was tedious and time consuming and consisted of way too many steps, but I think it's all done. So, here's what I know so far as it relates to the reviews and columns I've done for THR. And yes, I'm going to reuse this paragraph for the next post.

I always have loved the title to Gordon Lish's collection of short stories: What I Know So Far. It's kind of like an accounting of things in your life to that point --  you dump out your pockets, thoughts and secrets and a little story emerges. Well, since a lot of people who followed me from my days (well, decade plus) at the San Francisco Chronicle have complained about older stories and reviews being locked down, available to subscribers only, I decided to do something about it. I asked for and got permission to unlock them all. (I still think it's completely worth it to subscribe - the magazine looks fantastic and has a lot of interesting stories in it each week. And no, I'm not just spouting the company line) Anyway, the whole unlocking thing was tedious and time consuming and consisted of way too many steps, but I think it's all done. So, here's what I know so far as it relates to the reviews and columns I've done for THR. And yes, I'm going to reuse this paragraph for the next post.

It's hard to get a sense of excitement in the new NBCUniversal logo. They made the company name one word, ala Kabletown, took out the Peacock and whatever globe/orbit/circle used to be there as a representation for Universal, then slapped it on a purple background. Kind of like they were in a rush.

I'm not sure that logo is going to win many fans in the design community. But it's the new slogan that seems curious to me: "Let's make history. Again."

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I love how I wrote the headline above to make it look like someone other than myself left out Chelsea Handler when my column in the Hollywood Reporter came out about the potential impact of viral videos on ratings. Nope, it was just me. Apologies to Handler for forgetting to include her in the round-up, especially when her show is also plagued (or helped) by  the abundance of best-bit videos on YouTube.

MSNBC abruptly cut ties to Keith Olbermann, its most popular host and a lightning rod for controversy (and viewers). Here's the statement from MSNBC: MSNBC and Keith Olbermann have ended their contract. The last broadcast of Countdown with Keith Olbermann will be this evening. MSNBC thanks Keith for his integral role in MSNBC's success and we wish him well in his future endeavors.