Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio

So, curious about what other "filth" and "water insoluble inorganic matter" are legally tolerated, I consulted the Food and Drug Administration's stunningly poetic-sounding "Food Defect Action Levels" -- the level of screwiness you are allowed to have in your food before the FDA will take action. You never actually want to get some FDA action, but you might be surprised at how much gunk can be in your product before they will show up with some bad news.

Say you're a frozen broccoli processor. Can you guess how many aphids, thrips, and/or mites you can have in 100 grams of your frozen broccoli before FDA agents will get all sad at you? Fifty-nine. You can have 59 aphids, thrips and/or mites in every three-and-a-half ounces of your product and be in the clear. Sixty is a problem, but 59? Play on, player!

Some other lines that the FDA will not allow you to cross:

Ground paprika: Average mold count is more than 20 percent; or average of more than 11 rodent hairs per 25 grams; or average of more than 75 insect fragments per 25 grams. (There is a glossary in the handbook that helpfully details "insect fragments" -- to get the equivalent of a "whole insect," all you have to do is count the body portions that have heads.)

Red fish and ocean perch: Three percent of the filets exampled contain one or more copepods accompanied by pus pockets. (Back to the glossary: "Copepods -- Small free-swimming marine crustaceans, many of which are fish parasites. In some species the females enter the tissues of the host fish and may form pus pockets." Yum-O!)

Hops: Average of more than 2,500 aphids per 10 grams (!!!).

Macaroni and noodle products: Average of 225 insect fragments or more per 225 grams.

Mushrooms, canned and dried: Average of 20 or more maggots of any size or average of five maggots 2 millimeters or longer per 100 grams of drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid or 15 grams of dried mushrooms.

Paging Rep. Kucinich! Pitted olives: Average of 1.3 percent or more by count of olives with whole pits and/or pit fragments 2 millimeters or longer.

Popcorn: 20 or more gnawed grains per pound and rodent hair is found in 50 percent or more of the subsamples.

And on and on. If you really want to geek out/get nauseated, check out the handbook here.

Now, to be fair, you have to realize that this doesn't mean these foods aren't generally safe to eat, even if you might be sharing your popcorn with little furry friends. The handbook details the significance of all of the defects it lists and the vast majority of them are aesthetic. In fact, to make this list, these flaws had to first be determined to present no health hazard (except for the very occasional chipped tooth). And, of course, for large and small producer alike, it's impossible to harvest or make food that's totally free of naturally occurring defects.

Funny enough, the FDA itself seems to recognize these action levels are on the extreme end of grodiness. The handbook states in the introduction that these limits "do not represent an average of the defects that occur in any of the products -- the averages are actually much lower. The levels represent limits at which the FDA will regard the food product 'adulterated,' and subject to enforcement action." So as long as you, Ms. Hops Packer, can come in comfortably under 2,500 aphids per 10 grams of hops, you should feel good about yourself.

 

"Everybody is getting caught up on the pit -- 'Oh, it was some little thing.' Take the word 'pit' out and put in 'sharp piece of metal.' Nobody would have a problem with suing over that. They're trying to make this about something trivial. A pit in an olive is the same thing as biting into a rock," Dolan says. (One of his clients lost three teeth after biting down on a rock in a salad. Another was burned by cleaning acid in a bottle of water.)

Furthermore, he adds, it looks like Kucinich has a real shot at collecting damages.

To review the allegations, as outlined in a suit filed in court in Washington: In April 2008, Kucinich ate a sandwich purchased at the cafeteria of the Longworth House Office Building. The sandwich "was represented to contain pitted olives" but in fact contained at least one unpitted olive. Kucinich bit on it and "sustained serious and permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures," the suit alleges. He has alleged negligence and breach of implied warranty by the operators of the cafeteria and their suppliers.

Dolan says there are two ways Kucinich could win the case: 

"If he's got the label that says 'pitted olives,' and they weren't pitted, that's called an express warranty. They told him the sandwich had no pits. He didn't get what he bought, and it harmed him," Dolan says. "The other area is strict products liability. There is something wrong with the product. He didn't cause it. He had no reason to assume it was in the product. And he got injured."

Dolan also argues that the core issue here -- food safety -- is an important one. "Mr. Kucinich may be trying to make a point as a legislator: Our food must be safe. How many people died from infected peanuts? Many. How many children were given formula in China that killed them? Many. When product manufacturers do not handle or care for their products in an appropriate way, people can die. People are trivializing this because it's a pit in an olive. "

Kucinich has not publicly commented on the case.

According to the suit: "Said sandwich wrap was unwholesome and unfit for human consumption, in that it was represented to contain pitted olives, yet unknown to plaintiff contained an unpitted olive or olives which plaintiff did not reasonably expect to be present in the food prepared for him, and could not visually detect prior to consumption."

Kucinich claims he suffered "serious and permanent dental and oral injuries" and has sustained "other damages as well," including "suffering and loss of enjoyment."

Kucinich seeks $150,000 in damages. Gawker found video of Kucinich talking on the floor of the house five days after Olivegate, and he seems fine, but just as it's inappropriate to suggest that Jay Cutler was faking his injuries because he could briefly ride a bike on the sidelines, we shouldn't assume that Dennis wasn't suffering from an acute loss of enjoyment as he addressed the House.

I've been on the DCCC's fundraising e-mail list since September of last year (I'm signed up for the lists for all of the party campaign committees on both sides), and this is the first time during that period that they've used Kucinich's name in an appeal like this. Indeed, it's rare that a message will go out under the name of a House Democrat other than Speaker Nancy Pelosi or DCCC Chair Chris Van Hollen. The rare exceptions are fairly big names like Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., and Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-Fla.

Under current circumstances, though, using Kucinich makes perfect sense. He can appeal to liberals who might not open their wallets for a lot of other members of Congress, and his seal of approval can be used in an effort to convince Democrats who think the reform legislation doesn't go far enough that they should stay active with the party this year anyway.