Max Clifford has competition!

Castration will also help.

6. Have a strict door policy

All the most popular clubs are hard to get into, so the church should try to be less inclusive. They already have a go at excluding gays in a half-hearted "don't ask, don't tell" sort of way and there are loads of gay Christians. They should extend the policy and try to keep long queues outside the door during services even if inside it's empty.

From the vaults of someone else's words:

The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie, who was his own father can make you live for ever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree

Good luck with that sell

Some nice ideas there Hadley, But isn't it time we simply let a dying set of fantasy books (bible, silly name...) go to pasture and embrace a new set, Like those great Jedi books? and those new books have movies AND Video games and everything already!
I haven't seen a good Jesus and his 12 gay bandit game is ages...

Clever, funny, joyous stuff. You are an adorable writer, Hadley.

It's interesting that the Christian West had to learn so much in the last century from a non-Christian, Gandhi.
I don't believe in God, and think that on balance all religions have done more harm than good. But if the Christian church really wants to be taken seriously, it should cut its links with the state and the military and pay more attention to the things Jesus actually said. (You know, 'turn the other cheek', 'share your goods with the poor', etc.)
By the same token, and in spite of my deep dislike of Islam, I was impressed when certain mosques threw open their doors in their holy month and invited the homeless and anyone else who turned up to share a meal.
Isn't that actually more spiritual than constantly reciting prayers or going round with a piece of cloth on your head?

True, bluejewel. Islam is to Christianity what the Monkees were to the Beatles. But without the tunes.

If the claims of Christianity are true, then popularity is the last thing god is interested in.

As Jesus put it: "Does this offend you?" right after offending lots of people.

He didn't seem to mind, he wanted a select following not mass popularity. More Jarvis Cocker than Michael Jackson.

As an anti theist, I'll be glad to see the end of all religions including Christianity, and although I am not one bit happy that children, homosexuals etc. have had to suffer at the hands of religion, I am nonetheless glad that now that it has happened, it's helping send religion down the dusty road to the oblivion which religion itself threatens people with who do not accept it.

I have no problem with the possible existence of a creator of the universe; to me 50/50 at the moment, but formal religion itself in its faith and ritualistic personna is absolute nonsense based on no evidence whatsoever. If a creator exists, then either he (or she!) doesn't know we exist in his universe, or he does know and isn't remotely interested in us...that is what all the 'evidence', or loud and screaming lack of it, implies. To suppose there is a benign, all loving and caring 'father' is understandable - 2000 years ago - but in the 21st century that's just utterly ridiculous.

Isn't this getting a little tired now? I mean, right: have a home counties J.B.P take cheap potshots at Christianity with that oh-so-clever (though she thinks she's a tad more sharp than she is by half) sarcasm that passes for rigorous opinion. Tragic. Where has all the real journalism gone? Why give such prominent voice to such hacks who think cheap parlor-game cynicism and low-brow ironic digs pass as anything worthy of note in a national broadsheet of your calibre? Has this dimwit actually read the New Testament? - I refer of course to the very beautiful peace-loving thing she mocks so shamelessly? Of course not.. Cause it's the über un-trendy thing to do. Please. And you call this fodder journalism when it's getting worse than Heat on any given sunday? Gimme me a break

I suppose it`s too much to ask for a Guardian commentator to acknowledge that Christianity is not just the Catholic Church or a handful of B&B owners who discriminate against gays.

After nearly a century of repression in Soviet states, the Orthodox Church is doing well again. Christianity in Africa is doing nicely also, and Rowan Williams actually rejected the claim that Christians are persecuted in Britain, rightly pointing out by contrast that they are being violently persecuted in parts of the Middle East, North Africa, and Asia. But I suppose that doesn't fit the sardonic tone of the article, so we'd better ignore all that.

Perhaps next time you tackle the subject of Christianity, ms Freeman, you might consider expanding your view of it beyond Western Europe and North America. Yes, child abuse in the Catholic Church, and the efforts made by the current pontiff to cover it up, are scandals worth talking about. Yes, Benedict, among others, is dodging the serious questions that he should be answering. But this is not representative of the Catholic Church, nor Christianity, as a whole.

There was an article on Radio 4 recently (NOT on April 1) about I-Phone Apps with a religious flavour - Bible readings, Church bells, hymns, call of the Muezzin etc.

These were described as the Apps of the Apostles.

And now a 'comedy' piece about Christianity.

Actually it's just an invitation for the readership to come up with their own 'comedy' take on Christianity isn't it?

Quite sad really.

Still, I'm sure Christianity will survive it.

Brilliant article Hadley! Loved it. I'll be giggling all morning.

Marina? Where are you? WE NEED YOU NOW!

I expect it is possible to write an amusing and perceptive article on the subject of religion, but this ain't it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f72CTDe4-0

THe ultimate " make religion groovy" song

Ave Maria
Cheers it's good to seeya
Doing the Vatigan rag

Bring back Tom Lehrer. He was prosecuted for this in the 50s

Peason1
We need to laugh at ourselves just as much as any other section of society.

christianity is beginning to suffer from the same problem as islam.
A few very nasty individuals are preaching hate and intolerance in the name of their religion.
I don't believe for one minute the majority of christians wish to spout hatred against gay people, for example. But their voices are being drowned out by the bigots.

The retort to militant islam is usually: Why don't the genuine muslims speak up against the hatred and the violence?
The same applies to christianity.
Although not a believer in christianity myself, I always thought of the christian church, in general, as a benign and comforting organisation made up of basically good people with the best intentions. Now, I sometimes fear them.
I do not recognise the teaching of Jesus in the militant christianity of hate, lies, abuse and cover up. All I see is hypocrisy. It is very sad.

Brilliant - this reminded me to check on one of my favourite websites, the Gadgets for God page on ship of fools. I particularly like the BibleShaker app.

Two words: Monkey Pope.

Hadley

I don't think Christianity needs your help somehow. You may not have noticed but it is booming in Africa, Asia and Latin America,which is why your article of necessity focuses on cynical, world-weary Britain. Evangelical and Charismatic Christianity (ECC), a convenient shorthand for biblical Christianity, is the fastest growing religion in the world at 4.7% pa. And in China, the world power of the 21st century, ECC is growing at 7% pa. Not really the statistics of a religion wih problems, is it!

Will this mean iPad fanatics are referred to as "app-ostles"?

Christianity, the Spiritual, Religions; call them what you like but they are all about to flourish in the West.
This is because life for all is filled with moral dilemmas each and every day. Those who seek truth in science and the material, are simply in denial of this, and as such, the anti-idealist, materialist void is appearing increasingly wide in our culture for all to see. The soul reigns supreme.

See you at the finishing line, suckers!

Obviously Christianity is wasting its time running hospices, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, health clinics, orphanages and the like while providing help for people with AIDS, the lonely elderly, refugees and victims of war. Well paid humorous journalists don't care about any of that.

simonaspinall
7 Apr 2010, 9:01AM
From the vaults of someone else's words:

The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie, who was his own father can make you live for ever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree

Good luck with that sell

Just to be pedantic, a Jewish Zombie would be a Golem.

@zazar

yep, she's forgotten the systematic denial of HIV/AIDS science in African Christianity in order to keep the population scared and in awe of God. Leading to millions of deaths.
Yes, Christianity is flourishing in Africa and Asia, because of the medieval missionary tactics employed there which were drummed out out Europe and north America.

When feeling persecuted, remember that those of us who are not Christians feel persecuted by you and your church telling us how sinful, wrong and naturally evil we are. Your faith states everyone is born incomplete and sinful and only by doing what you say will we ascend and enjoy a life as good as yours. If you want to believe in a doctrine of preaching then be prepared to take some stick for it.

@stevhep

all done for the selfish purposes of making the church bigger and bribing people in to belief. If God is so great why do you need to do that.

And, see previous comments regarding AIDS. Nothing the church does in the west is ever going to be justification for the evil they are perpetrating in Africa.

StevHep
7 Apr 2010, 9:23AM
Obviously Christianity is wasting its time running hospices, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, health clinics, orphanages and the like while providing help for people with AIDS, the lonely elderly, refugees and victims of war. Well paid humorous journalists don't care about any of that.

You dont have to be a Christian to do any of this. I could quote you secular organisations that do all of the things you describe.

Perhaps it might be more relevant to ask why Christians cannot just do or fund those things as part of a secular organisation. Why do they have to do it under the banner of Christ, so to speak!

Looking at some of the pompous responses to this fluffy bit of comic relief, I'd say Job Done.

Excellent work Hadley. Long may you wind up the humourless bores of CiF.

And on the very same day, the Archbishop of Canterbury made a simply darling claim that there is a "sustained effort to discriminate against [Christians in this country]" ? suggesting that Dr Rowan is something of a fan of John Gaunt's radio talkshow, on which one is treated to diatribes from listeners about how no one is more discriminated against in this country than white men.

Very amusing, to be sure, but in fact this is the opposite of what actually took place. A former archbishop and some of his episcopal friends have been compalining about "persecution" recently, and Rowan - very much to his credit - told them all not to be so silly, and to look to Africa and the Middle East if they wanted to see religious persecution.

Read all about it here: http://thinkinganglicans.org/

@StevHep - why can't it do all those good things without bringing along all the baggage? You know the stuff......homophobia, mysogeny, anti-science, anti-contraception, divisive faith schools, etc etc. Everything you listed could be done just as well by a secular organisation.

Just to be pedantic, a Jewish Zombie would be a Golem.

Just to be even more pedantic, a golem is actually an artificial construct given life, having been created entirely from inanimate matter such as clay, rather than a resurrected corpse.

Not a zombie, basically.

Better shoes.

Christians never really pulled off their sandaled look. Now that ankle socks seem to being having a moment, they really have no excuse not to do it better.

Most humorous and sure to bring out the best in the CIF reactionaries.

Well, it's very nice of you to be 'considerate' towards Christianty Hadley - but honestly, there is no need for modern slick PR plan. But if you like slogans, the old Sinners Welcome thing will do just fine.

And the Christians who are helping the sick and elderly; running the soup kitchens and hospices; working tirelessly for the poor and oppressed; bringing about peace and reconcilation in conflict areas; praying for the world and holding fast the message of hope, love and peace will simply continue on with their business just as they have always done. They will be the ones to restore the churches image. All this mockery, even if amusing is of no consequence compared to active compassion and care.

(and before everyone starts making assumptions - I'm a Buddhist, albeit with theistic leanings)

I've been a Christian for years, however I laughed so much a this I have changed my mind and decided to become an atheist!!!

Actually, the message of Jesus is about love, tolerance, avoiding the pursuit of material wealth, caring about others more than yourself. All these are good things, and no amount of snidey "comedy" articles in the Guardian will change that.

The idea of selling to Apple and having Stephen Fry as a high priest is a good one.

Apparently Fry asked Apple about the possibility of a Gay app, but apple said the bottom would fall out of that market.

All the boasting about the growth of christianity in Africa, China etc misses a crucial point. Of course, superstition flourishes in areas where poverty, despair and disease are rampant, it's a captive bloody market.

StevHep

Christianity does not do any of those things. Decent people do all of those things. And those decent people come from all backgrounds and faiths, including those lowest-of-the-low, the "humorous journalists".

What Christianity does is preach that contraception, the best proven defence against STDs and one of the most enabling and liberating inventions for women in the history of mankind is wicked and wrong, thereby undermining the hard work and good intentions of every single orphanage and HIV hospice on the planet.

Bravo.

One sure way to get the kids involved, Ban it, make it illegal and then start having underground clandestime meetings with music and joyous praise and lots of loin cloth action...

BarabbasFreed
Apparently Fry asked Apple about the possibility of a Gay app, but apple said the bottom would fall out of that market.

The entire twitterverse just groaned.

Qualityjanitor

And, see previous comments regarding AIDS. Nothing the church does in the west is ever going to be justification for the evil they are perpetrating in Africa

South Africa had an ex marxist President who for 10 years, indeed still now refused to acknolowged that HIV causes.Aids

We currently have a President who ,when he had sex with an HIV positive women, was asked what precautions he took ???

He said he took a fucking shower !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We had a Minister of Health who is conservatively estimated as causing the preventable death of at least 300,000 people due to the governments refusal to hand out anti-retrovirals.

She advocated traditional African remedies, hence the name "Dr Beetroot".

People aren't going to let go of their superstitious beliefs and invisible friends overnight, but maybe some good will come out of the latest scandals, if it contributes to the gradual erosion of religion and encourages more sanity in the world.

Rationalism won't triumph in a day, but we may dare to hope that the steady drip of exposed fact and reason will eventually see all religions relegated to their deserved status as shared fantasies for a tiny minority, properly monitored and unable to do further damage.

@LarchmontReader

If you don't like Hadley, don't read her stuff. And by the way, how long have the home counties been in the USA?