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Is Paul Dacre hiding a guilty secret that explains his deranged paper?
2010-01-15 09:56:24
As those of you who follow me on Twitter and Facebook will know, on Wednesday I had a call from a behavioural psychologist, to tell me he had come to the conclusion that Obergruppenfuehrer Paul Dacre is secretly in love with me.
My tweet on this led to a few complaints about the Nazi terminology, one or two saying it was unfair on Dacre, more suggesting that it was unfair on the Nazis, which even I thought was just a bit ott. Just a bit.
So as a compromise position, I will for this much gentler, touchier-feelier blog make him a mere Kommandant of Die Mail (those last two words have a ring to them).
The psychologist, who was terribly serious by the way, felt it was highly likely that I figure in homoerotic fantasies which fill Dacre with terrible shame and guilt. There can be no other explanation, he said, for the scale of hatred expressed in his coverage of me over many years, which had another mini-Nagasaki explosion when I gave evidence to the Iraq inquiry on Tuesday.
I hardly knew what to say about my psychologist friend's call, but as I tweeted, I did feel a rare if passing moment of sympathy for this most hideous man. Poor poor Obergruppenfuehrer, I said (this was pre-Kommandant phase).
It's flattering to have people imagine that I might be appreciated sexually, particularly as I go on down the back nine of life. But just as I don't do God, I don't do male. And I certainly don't do Mail scum. So, Paul Dacre, whatever is going on inside that troubled head as you toss and turn alongside your poor wife sleeping gently besides you, I am sorry, it is time for me to be frank with you - it can never be.
Occasionally my path crosses with apologetic Mail hacks (they usually quote the 'only obeying orders' Nuremberg defence for the stuff they write) who want to tell me chapter and verse about Dacre's regime and his bouts of obsession with me. You can probably guess the sort of thing, but it must be said he seems to talk about me a lot, given I left Downing Street more than six years ago. .
It was a well-known Mail columnist who first told me he thought Dacre harboured a furtive passion for me, and because it is not returned, and he can never admit it, he must lash out. He compared it to 'the jealousy of the lonely public school fag who dreams of silent visits to the dorm, realises he can never catch the eye of the prefect, and becomes first lovingly bitter, then bitterly enraged, then out for vengeance. Hell hath no fury like a fag scorned, apparently.'
If you look at the content of Die Mail (part of my job when I worked for TB, but it's not allowed in the house now, in common wiith dogshit) you can see Dacre's inner psyche screaming out from page after page. Just as good football teams reflect the character of the man at the top, so do evil newspapers. I¹ve always imagined all the rage and angst and the scratching and the boils on his back must be because of some deep discontent within.
But could it be, no, surely not, that it is all about confused feelings of sexuality? And about me? Gott im Himmel!!
There's also that old saying about birds of a feather flocking together. I'm not saying that everyone at Die Mail is secretly in love with me. But look at the man I described on Tuesday as the faux posh tosser, Peter Oborne, who was drivelling away outside the QE2 in a vest and an old jacket. Also on the payroll of Die Mail, he was ostensibly there to cover the inquiry, but my psychologist friend wondered whether he was not there just to catch a glimpse of me. He was dressed for play, not work.
This is the Oborne who in earlier life wrote a book about me, in which many Mills and Boon flashes were shown - he described me as 'a tall, commanding, well-built man, ruggedly good-looking.' Also 'he possessed that sexual confidence that some men have who know how to please women. He was very good-looking in a dangerous sort of way.' Well, well, well, we wonder, dangerous to whom? Him? Dacre? The quaint looking Quentin Quetts who had me (not in that way) fairly high up the list in his book on the people who 'buggered up Britain?' Interesting choice of word Quents. Something on your mind?
When Oborne was writing his soft porn about me, he was on the Express, but tried to flog his book to Die Mail, a move the Express blocked, saying he had to serialise it in his own paper. This drove the Kommandant into boil-erupting, shoulder-scratching rage. He ordered a team of hacks to put together a 'book' (it never got published because it didn't really exist) so they could run a spoiler - 'the real Alastair Campbell' story.
Day One included the revelation that the transforming event of my life was the death of my father in an accident when I was a child. This came as news to my Dad, then alive and well and living in retirement. Banged to rights as they say. Apology next day, and a nice cheque with which we bought new gates and playground equipment for the kids' primary school. (The only thing Dacre has ever done for State schools by the way. He chose Eton for his own kids - where else for the voice of middle England he claims to represent?)
I caught sight of Die Mail's front page on Wednesday in the newsagent and when I saw the splash headline -'Shameless unrepentant and still lying,' I assumed they were running an advert for themselves. It turned out to be a missive to me from my repressed secret admirer. Paulipoos my poppet, I know you love me. Scream it more gently and I might listen.
So, if I may adopt that well-known question mark journalism so beloved by Dacre and his many minions - could he be hiding something? Is there a guilty secret that only he knows about?
One that he dare not tell even Oborne, his fellow erotically charged obsessive who broods about the 'dangerous' attraction he sees in me?
Why does Dacre never show his face in public? Does he fear there are people out there who might recognise him, and what they might say about what they know?
And if the guilty secret were secret no more, does Dacre perhaps fear the kind of condemnation he metes out to others? How can we know when the man is so secretive about his own life whilst being so prurient and inquisitive about the lives of others?
I'm sure we all remember the recent post-death character assassination of Stephen Gately by Die Mail's Jan Moir.
As I said at the time, nothing goes in that paper without Dacre's support and say so. If there is any homophobia in there, it is his. And who knows where it comes from? But if I have added to his derangement, I think I should just add this to my list of public service achievements, whilst simultaneously (with Mind Champion of the Year hat on), telling him if he needs help and counselling, thanks to Labour there is more of it now available.
In my new novel (no, you're right, there is nowhere I can't plug it with only two weeks to go) movie star Maya's agent talks about 'the Harold Shipman treatment' being meted out to a me mber of the public who dared to accuse Maya of attacking him.
I didn't see Die Mail beyond the headline, but I gather it was in that mould. Piers Morgan sent me a text suggesting Idi Amin came off lightly by comparison. (He has given me the front cover endorsement for the novel by the way - Piers, that is, not Idi Amin).
People ask why I don't get angry about Die Mail's coverage. Partly because it is beyond parody. But mainly because now I realise that, to quote Oscar Wilde (oh how Dacre would have relished covering him in his pomp) it is all just a manifestation of the love that dare not speak its name. I can come to terms with this. But can Paulipoos? I think we should be told.
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The Great Wall gets greaterPublish date: 2009-04-21 09:55:22
Two sides to police storyPublish date: 2009-04-20 11:39:54
Budgets, Balls, billionaires and Susan BoylePublish date: 2009-04-19 12:31:45
Do muscles have memories?Publish date: 2009-04-18 09:44:44
Bring back standing at footballPublish date: 2009-04-17 14:50:22
When Facebook friends fall outPublish date: 2009-04-16 12:29:16
Guardian sightings and the email and bath plug agendaPublish date: 2009-04-15 11:32:16
The spin is all in the prismPublish date: 2009-04-14 09:22:41
A setback, not a crisisPublish date: 2009-04-13 12:55:19
The real lessons from Damian McBridePublish date: 2009-04-12 10:49:47
Will English always be the dominant language?Publish date: 2009-04-11 10:02:02
On the pipes and what makes a ScotPublish date: 2009-04-10 11:06:20
John Prescott lazy? NO WAYPublish date: 2009-04-09 09:11:31
David Frost is seventyPublish date: 2009-04-08 08:48:38
The Speaker, BBC2, tonight and tomorrow 8pmPublish date: 2009-04-07 14:25:31
Obama, colds and being woken by Korean missilesPublish date: 2009-04-06 11:59:24
When a call matters more than protocolPublish date: 2009-04-05 11:33:42
Green Cities Champions LeaguePublish date: 2009-04-04 10:19:53
Could Cameron have delivered the G20 deal?Publish date: 2009-04-03 10:11:59
Of Benn and BonoPublish date: 2009-04-02 08:21:16
Memo to Sarko - allez vite a LondresPublish date: 2009-04-01 08:46:17
Happy April Fool's DayPublish date: 2009-04-01 01:44:05
Eurostar, Le Monde and a thought for the G20 sherpasPublish date: 2009-03-31 09:17:22
Why Kevin Rudd made an impactPublish date: 2009-03-30 10:24:41
Pre-G20 hype matters less than post-G20 processPublish date: 2009-03-29 13:17:28
The Damned UnitedPublish date: 2009-03-28 10:37:04
A hobby horse, a plug and a bit of sportPublish date: 2009-03-27 10:22:23
Cloughie - he had a lot to be big-headed aboutPublish date: 2009-03-26 09:38:36
A sad sight of the old fearing the youngPublish date: 2009-03-25 17:03:07
Post-modern, post-structural, or bullshit?Publish date: 2009-03-25 08:18:02
Learning the right lessons from ObamaPublish date: 2009-03-24 08:53:15
Lazy Dave needs to keep an eye on lazy KenPublish date: 2009-03-23 11:16:14
Farewell favourite restaurant, hello hometownPublish date: 2009-03-22 08:18:09
Dave, Danny and have the Tories really changed?Publish date: 2009-03-21 08:55:13
Life beyond Dover ...Publish date: 2009-03-20 10:11:21
My friends in The New Statesman - Fergie, Fiona, Tony, Sarah, Kevin, 'Dacre,' and a great GB idea for the G20Publish date: 2009-03-18 10:38:22
Iraq, Iran, GB, Obama and diplomatic chessPublish date: 2009-03-17 10:07:13
The Age of StupidPublish date: 2009-03-16 08:27:13
Is all change good?Publish date: 2009-03-15 10:00:06
The pressure of being a post-modern sex godPublish date: 2009-03-14 10:00:55
Cameron still hasn't sealed the deal with businessPublish date: 2009-03-13 09:21:49
Stand up for social workersPublish date: 2009-03-12 08:31:17
Surely Malcolm Tucker could have told Armando Ianucci ... You can't spin a spinnerPublish date: 2009-03-11 10:58:25
Start of a new approach from Labour?Publish date: 2009-03-10 09:54:12
A peace process still strongPublish date: 2009-03-09 08:21:05
Day of destiny for the real footballer of the yearPublish date: 2009-03-08 09:21:06
Private advice to Peggy Mitchell - the leaked note in fullPublish date: 2009-03-07 08:17:21
Boris, the Tories and the tummy-tickling poodle pressPublish date: 2009-03-06 09:49:37
A day in the life of the self-obsessed TV reporterPublish date: 2009-03-05 07:55:47
GB - good speech, well deliveredPublish date: 2009-03-04 19:31:05
Notes on the environment, a role in EastEndersPublish date: 2009-03-04 10:58:56
She may be my 'wife' but it is time to rebut!Publish date: 2009-03-03 10:52:59
Some speeches matter more than othersPublish date: 2009-03-02 12:04:45
Mental health and the Carling Cup FinalPublish date: 2009-03-01 09:08:17
Inside the chocolate factoryPublish date: 2009-02-28 10:23:59
GB on the G20, JP on Jeremy KylePublish date: 2009-02-27 09:14:36
Charity and the credit crunch, please give generously!Publish date: 2009-02-26 08:55:12
Why oh why are the Tories not home and dry?Publish date: 2009-02-24 09:44:59
Me, Dermot and ten top songsPublish date: 2009-02-23 10:02:19
Names round-upPublish date: 2009-02-22 08:43:39
What's in a name?Publish date: 2009-02-21 09:58:14
Editing the New StatesmanPublish date: 2009-02-20 11:42:36
Salute Peter M’s proper use of the F wordPublish date: 2009-02-19 09:58:58
Labour's communications challenge for the NHSPublish date: 2009-02-18 10:34:39
In praise of KeighleyPublish date: 2009-02-17 14:33:57
A night at the EmiratesPublish date: 2009-02-17 00:06:51
When marriage is testedPublish date: 2009-02-16 13:36:35
Spare me the myths and the whiningPublish date: 2009-02-15 13:29:50
Dave Cameron - is that all there is?Publish date: 2009-02-14 11:11:55
Boris Johnson: F is for ...Publish date: 2009-02-13 07:55:10
The Cameron vacuumPublish date: 2009-02-12 14:48:33
Lincoln, Obama, Blair and the 24 hour media culturePublish date: 2009-02-11 10:28:47
Eighteen interviews later ...Publish date: 2009-02-10 19:24:45
Time to talk about Time to Change on NewsnightPublish date: 2009-02-09 22:47:49
So that’s what they mean by online community?Publish date: 2009-02-08 12:12:51
First blogPublish date: 2009-02-05 15:23:57
Yes but
2010-01-16 04:08:26But Alastair, loads of people hate you with unimaginable fury. We can't all be in love with you, you're just not that attractive
jamie
2010-01-16 03:14:42Very entertaining - and couldn't agree with you more about the loathesome Dacre and the Daily Mail.
But, "Oborne was writing his soft porn about me"? I thought that was meant to have been YOUR job in your youth? I think we should be told.
David Wilson
2010-01-15 23:32:03Alastair, tapa leat. Many of us thought there was some reason for the over-the-top coverage. You have just put your finger on it.
Paul Dacre, a shirtlifter? Well, well. F*ck me.
Kenneth Morton
2010-01-15 22:45:54Has the pressure of keeping your story consistent with your past appearances before official enquiries got to you? You now seem to have to have relaxed and let your mask slip.
Your homoerotic tendencies have been disguised in the past by your employment with Cap'n Bob and his empire of deceit and embezzlement followed by Tony Bliar where you had absolute power without responsibility. Apparently strong men who were, in reality, deeply flawed individals who let you down when they did not live up to their reputations and brought you down in their wake,
Now it is clear to everybody that you have been found out you are projecting your need to be told you are right on to an unobtainable figure. You can blame the Daily Mail, its editor and its readers for the mistakes of your past.
Beware the return to depression is clearly signposted by this nonsensical blog entry.
Jane A
2010-01-15 21:44:09A fantastically funny blog to head into the weekend. Dacre, Dacre, ball-acher. Blue absolutely must be the colour round his way.
I think you got the Zeitung Zeitgeist right on the money.
Jim Biggles
2010-01-15 20:12:10I fear your self-love has got the better of you. Dacre doesn't love you. Rather, he thinks you're a prick and loves teasing you.
claire.larmand@laposte.net
2010-01-15 20:04:42Bonjour,
J'ai adoré votre livre tout est dans la tête.
j'aurai aimé lire votre livre sur les années Blair mais il n'est pas traduit en français . Quand le sera t il ?
Bien à vous
clc
eamon mcmahon
2010-01-15 19:00:28Alistair, have been a huge fan forever.This is my first visit to the blog.
Without you, Blair, Brown(grudingly on my part) and Mandelson, the country would be in the dark ages.
My wife buys the Mail every day, but people have to understand that many who read it let the bile and vitriol that passes as political comment pass over them. It has good city pages, health and sport.It hits the metaphorical "g spot" for a lot of females who enjoy reading about diets and orgasms...women eh?Just ignore them, the Mail that is.
On a more serious note watched you at the enquiry. fantastic and keep it up.
Blair and you have nothing to apologise for.History will recognise the courageous step Blair and Bush took.
I mean, a murderous fascist genocidal dictator was toppled.Whats the problem?And if you want an answer ask the Kurds, Marsh Arabs, remember them, and most Shias.
40 years of brutal tyranny isnt sorted in a couple of years.
By the way am I alone is despising that clown Snow on Channel 4 news who tries to pass himself off as the sceptical anti authoirty hack , yet cannot curb his prejudices. See his take on you at the enquiry?
Incidentally i could never take him seriously after he hosted a debate on the Danish cartoons a few years ago at the height of the controversy,and refuesed to show the offending iitems on hte TV, hiding behind Muslim sensibilities, what a pusillanimous pussy!And him constanlty sneering at the vacillations etc of politicians.Alistair, your dsidain for that shower of "political" "journalists" is well warranted. I wish I had enemies like yours!
Charlie Reynolds
2010-01-15 18:40:45And so one shi*e slags off another.
Bet Gordon's jealous.
Jason Charlton
2010-01-15 18:39:27Well that piece explains a lot lol, it has to go down - excuse the pun- as the funniest wickedist piece of writing i ve ever read in a long time. You can just imagine steam pouring out of Dacre's ears and other extremities. You ve got him banged to rights Gov, spot ont. And keep up the good work. And hey he is a bloody Nazi.
Patrick James
2010-01-15 17:58:19Thank you for a fun read.
I agree with your psychologist friend's analysis of Dacre's maley wail.
Steve Belshaw
2010-01-15 17:57:19Geez, what a load of absolute rubbish. Perhaps Mr Campbell should consider a new career as an author of childrens books - he certainly has the imagination for it.
hambone
2010-01-15 16:58:53Dear Mail Hack:
Why the cuss are you a Mail hack?
MacAllan
2010-01-15 16:57:22My wife insists on having the saturday Daily Mail (only) for the TV guide. I have come to terms with this and have found the paper its printed on very soft to the nether regions when cut into smallish squares and hung in the watering hole.
I particularly favour using cutouts of the odious Oborne, Platell and Letts for particularly messy 'jobs.'
I have often wondered why the paper is down (excuse the term) on women - always choosing to show unfavourable images. I think you are right they just do'nt like 'em !
Perhaps someone can tell me why the Today programme always leads with the Mail headlines. OK Humph writes his little piece, now again but the BBC has dropped its standards....just listen to our Tudor Spanish Ambassador Nicky 'Toryboy'Robinson. When is enough, enough ?
jane18
2010-01-15 16:56:34I enjoyed reading this.... I am delighted your hate relationship with The Mail continues as it really is a ghastly paper and your comment today will really upset them - they will hate being laughed at. All of their journalists sing from the same hymn sheet which is utterly boring. Their campaign against the Blair family also reminded me of the same campaign from the right wing press in America against the Clintons. Some how, the Mail will never accept a government - nor those associated with them from the centre left.
I know that Paul Dacre is friendly with GB which surprises me. No doubt GB is also aware that readership and circulation matter more than the relationship!
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading the next episode - the smug, hate reporters at the paper will double their efforts to besmirch your character after today's comment. They must think we all live in their nasty world.
Rosie
2010-01-15 16:54:20@Richard T
"before he retires to his wee croft in the Highlands to enjoy a well earned retirement amongst the glenfolk."
Not sure he'd be that welcome up here in the far North.
Not really sure exactly where he would be welcome, come to think of it.
Great post. It explains quite a lot about "Paulipoos!"
David Banks
2010-01-15 16:42:39You know, when you get into those 'broken Britain' conversations with people and try to track back just where it was they actually heard the terrible tale with which they are trying to convince you that Britain is broken, it's always the Mail that has its dabs all over it.
It would be interesting to see if your psychologist friend could get funding for a bit of research - just how bad for you is reading the Daily Mail?
One randomly selected group get a daily dose of the Mail, another gets the Guardian, and a control group get, I don't know, The Beano, to read, for a month. After that they're all psychologically evaluated to see who has been most screwed up. I know where my money would be.
You know what they say about Mail headlines - a series of questions to which the answer is usually No.
stevo7777
2010-01-15 16:33:20How very very true.Alister-well done and great to see that they have failed in their pathetic attempts to drag you down.keep fighting............mind you I hope that the Reds thrash your lot this weekend .
Jack H
2010-01-15 15:58:33I don't normally comment on blogs but I have to say, as a gay man who would welcome 'Die Mail' drowning in its own bile, this is inspired! I bet Kommandant Dacre is shouting a lot at the moment.
Burnley Fan
2010-01-15 14:41:52I wondered what your reaction would be when I saw the Mail's front page the other day. I suspected you might be a little enraged by it - and here's the proof.
If the Mail was in any doubt as to whether their coverage had "hurt", well they need be in no doubt now!
One of the most bizarre blog posts by a leading public figure I've ever seen - no wonder it's flying round the net.
Stick to blogging about the Clarets, Alastair...
Richard T
2010-01-15 14:41:43Um. Funny name Dacre. Doesn't sound very British to me.
As well as clearly being closeted, perhaps he is leading a conspiracy where the Mail undermines every aspect that is decent and tolerant in our society so that we are ripe for a takeover by some foreign power before he retires to his wee croft in the Highlands to enjoy a well earned retirement amongst the glenfolk.
Mark
2010-01-15 14:16:50Dacre seems to have responded via headline. Jan Moir's column today is headlined 'A love story? Yes... and a way to settle old scores'
Fullabeanz
2010-01-15 13:58:21Haha! I Enjoyed this post.
But what is clear from this blog entry is that you are just as obsessed with Dacre as he seems to be with you. After all those years of you courting the Daily Mail you should really give him what he wants... You two are very well suited.
Mail Hack
2010-01-15 13:52:23For obvious reasons I have not put my name on this email. But I am what it says in the box, a Mail hack. Thanks on behalf of everyone here for the laugh you have given us all today. I would reckon if it were possible to do a 'most read' analysis on any one piece of writing within the office today, you're winning by a mile. And Dacre's lieutenants are looking even more stressed than usual
Paul
2010-01-15 12:22:46Quentin Letts is a very nasty piece of work. He's fond of teasing Labour politicians on their looks yet Letts reminds me of a cross between Billy Bunter and the Viz character 'Spoilt B@st@rd'. I'm sure Letts (ex-Haileybury) and Oborne (ex-Sherborne) resent like hell that someone like Alastair Campbell can come from a more modest background and make good.
Em
2010-01-15 12:22:11Hmmm. I always thought "the love that dare not speak its name" referred to lesbianism only.
I've read Oborne's book (I bought it second hand so he wouldn't get royalties, fear not) and it's blatant he's in love with you.
As far as Dacre goes... well, I'm not expert but I'd wager that if you ever find yourself at his house and he wants to show you his wine cellar... you won't find a wine cellar down there.
One thing though: why would a man who is so far in the closet he's having adventures in Narnia send his sons to Eton where they'll learn to play soggy biscuit?
P.S.: No, I don't have a dirty mind, I've just worked with way too many English public schools boys
P.P.S.: Great blog!
RDC
2010-01-15 11:29:37And yet Mr Dacre is Gordon Brown's very close friend (godfather to his child). You support Mr Brown (who has spent ages playing to Mr Dacre). A bit strange? Or is you tribal loyalty just too strong to draw the conclusion.
Claire
2010-01-15 11:12:28I really did have a good laugh! I call it the Daily "hate" Mail and it really is full of hate. Does Dacre not realise that most people that buy it or read it online do so for a sense of irony, rather than actually believing what it says?
You mention that Piers Morgan sent you a text. I normally respect Piers's journalism (shoot me down other readers) except the quite nasty piece he wrote about Mick McCarthy recently, and the fact he rested 10 men. Been there too long Piers! Dacre's method is getting to you! (I doubt he would have written it if Spurs had beaten Wolves that week..)
Football aside... You put your point across this week in the inquiry with integrity. Something that seems to be missing from the media, and with some of our elected MP's.
Have a good weekend, and I hope Burnley have a good game at Man Utd
Alan Quinn
2010-01-15 10:56:26After reading that I'm getting worried about you Alastair.
BarBar of Oz
2010-01-15 10:28:36Am afraid Iraq inquiry has changed all. Your uncontested poll position as greatest ever Great British hunk in the eyes of male and female has been effortlessly taken over by Sawers, who I gather is a few years older than you but looks ten years younger?
Furthermore for sexual cachet MI6 unquestionably trumps 6 years of being TB's 24/7 mobile phone buddy. Honestly, Alistair, face it: if Princess Di were alive today she wouldn't be taking a second look?
On the other hand - you would be able to counter this analysis by revealing here that Sawers is SHORT. Please advise?
Hilary Chorlton
2010-01-15 10:19:53I live in Sevenoaks and most mornings go to a cafe for a coffee. Some days half of the people will have the Mail with them, and the cafe also has it, despite my complaints. But what is it about people of a certain sort that they cannot see evil staring at them from the page
Charlie Wills
2010-01-15 10:18:18Totally agree about the Mail. It stands for everything progressive people should be against ... So why does Brown crawl to Dacre? By their friends etc ....
Mal Veness
2010-01-15 10:16:56I hate saying LOL, but LOL. And best of all, don't you just know that everyone at Kamp Mail will be reading it, and loving it. If you're as hateful as that paper, there is no way he can be anything other than hated by his staff
Ron Gordon
2010-01-15 10:08:12Laughed out loud all the way through, Alastair! Excellent stuff!
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