*According to Barbara Walters.
Last night, television legend Barbara Walters revealed her list of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009. Part of the list had been revealed already, and parts were secret (namely, the most fascinating person.) And because we are nothing if not professional journalists, I sat through the entire episode, recording my thoughts live on each and every fascinating specimen Barbara put under her microscope. What follows is an extremely unthorough look at this yearly delight.
Before we get into the list, let us all agree that Barbara is looking fantastic in her black velvet (Is it velvet? We think it’s velvet) skirt suit. Nice half turn at the beginning Barb! Subtle and, dare I say, sensual…
10. Lady Gaga: #10? Under Glenn Beck? Let’s just assume they’re kickin’ it off big style. And holy ess, are they ever. There they walk, arm in arm, Gaga and Barb. Gaga looks like Norma Desmond at the end of Sunset Boulevard. She is one turban and a monkey away from drowning in a pool of her own sorrow. Wearing an admittedly beautiful black Chanel suit,we couldn’t help but note that she also sported the very same glasses worn by Dwayne Wayne in a Diff’rent World (why didn’t she flip them up, WHY?) My love for Gaga is endless, truly, and I appreciate that she classed her crotchless act up for Lady Wawa. Then, BARBARA SAYS BLUFFIN WITH MY MUFFIN. This is a victory, though I’m not really sure why. We all won something at this moment. And hold on… did Baba Wawa just ask Lady Gaga out on a date? We think yes. And we say go for it ladies. You’ll have beautiful, 900 year old mummified babies together.
9. Jenny Sanford, South Carolina’s First Lady: The thing about Governor Mark Sanford is he was born with a creep’s face. Sadly, Jenny Sanford did not sense this when making her vows oh so long ago. We like the subtle Christian buttons on her blazer. Barbara claims that this woman is fascinating but frankly, I’d rather see her interview Elliot Spitzer’s sex socks. Is the interview worthwhile? Sorta. MOST FASCINATING OF 2009. Get that ish right outta my face and get Sandy B-Lock on the phone.
8. Tyler Perry: Here we go. Gettin’ to the good stuff. America’s favorite drag act, Tyler Perry. I’m just gonna say it: I’ve always been weirded out by his leeeeyups. Glad that’s out of the way. Here is where I will admit something shameful: I have never seen a single Tyler Perry movie. I know!! I’m the worst. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of people reenact them for me in full while out at a bar, where the beating scenes get a big awkward. Point being, a lot of this interview is lost on me. Well, everything but his mention that his mother always wanted to be MISS CHANCELLOR. And gurl, if you do not know who this woman is, then you clearly do not know a gay man. Or Tyler Perry. (Separate things.)
7. Kate Gosselin: You might not like Kate, but you can’t deny that she’s been one of the most fascinating people of the year. Because, as far as I know, there is no special called the 10 Most Fascinating Birth Canals of 2009, so we settle for this. And what do we even say about this phony bitch? He’s awful, she’s awful, everybody loses and nobody wins. Especially America, who should as a country file for joint custody of those adorable children because, technically, this is all our fault country. Also, is it just me, or has Kate put her eyes through the ol’ “Asia-o-matic.” They’re so cat shaped! Wait wait wait wait. Hol’ the eff. UP.
KATE GOSSELIN IS GETTING HER OWN TALK SHOW?
Lethal injections, don’t fail me now.
6. Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck’s head is the human equivalent of corned beef and cabbage. I realllllllllly hate this guy’s face. It’s like the Tempur-Pedic® people made their own mattress Golem. On the plus side, Barbara’s bangs look fabulous. And it is here we learn that Glenn was a child magician. A magician!! How much better would the world be if Glenn Beck was a MAGICIAN? Answer: It would be much better. It’s all very sad about his Mother (who died when he was only 13), but it does sort of explain a lot of those anger issues. Also, Great Guy Alert Ladies: When his first wife stopped him from drinking himself to death, he sobered up. Then promptly got divorced and married someone else. Fascinating indeed.
SIDE NOTE: Is Barbara filming a separate show called “The 10 Most Fascinating Dramatic Camera Turns” tonight? Because if so, well played. She could have filmed an hour of only segues and dramatic turns and I would have been psyched.
Top 5 after the jump:
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