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Michelle! You dirty cow! He’s only 17!

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Dirty girl!

It’s not enough that Michelle Connor off-of Hear’Say and Irish is opening up her door to builders in just a towel - that old chestnut! - she’s now getting some deep tongueing from her son’s 17-year-old mate. And he’s a god botherer!

‘When I heard about it, I thought, Oh no!’ said Kym Marsh, the artiste formerly known as Kym from Wigan. ‘They’re not turning me into a paedophile, please!’

Well, technically Kimberley, he’d have to be younger than 17 for it to count as paedophilia. At 17 it’s R-O-N-G, wrong but not paedophilia.

Carrie on. Get it? Carry on. No, not luggage. No, not Barbara Windsor and cock jokes… Oh, never mind.

Well you sho’ as hell gotta look somewhere when they’re boring you to within an inch of your spine going through every last syllable of the freakin’ menu.

Beard, meet Beard.

This isn’t funny because he died. :-(

Just a small sherry at Christmas. And methylated spirits via intravenous drip the rest of the year.

One of those Before/After things, in the style of one of those Before/After things.

If we were a girl, we think we’d like to look like Sarah Harding.

Step away from the crazy…

High heels and now a make-up bag? What next for Suri? Sexy lingerie?

Guess the VPL! Clue: ‘Why aye man’. No, not Cheryl Cole.

If this is part of Olly’s X Factor campaign, it’s so working on us!

Is this what Jordan will look like at 53? She wishes!

From the sublime (Sade) to the ridic (Barbie dressed by Comme des Garcons)

Sade. New single. ‘Soldier of Love’. *wet wees*. *white wees*.

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