Yes, I know I'm a little late on this, but who could resist the opportunity to lay into Polly and Gordon in one post? Now, obviously, I have already done this, on the occasion of the last budget, and I think that everybody already knows my opinion of The Gobblin' King but the chance to, as it were, have a second bite at the cherry is simply too much fun.

You see, Polly Toynbee seems to have some kind of sexual fetish for Gordon, her, big Norse warrior. Now, I don't know if anyone remembers the superb sitcom, Drop The Dead Donkey, but in one episode the stuck-up Sally Smedley is recorded having sex with the soundman, calling out, in the throws of passion, "Oh my big, Viking warrior!"

Blair's party is crying out for Gordon the Viking

Need I say more? Anyone want to imagine Polly, legs wrapped around Gordon's waist, ecstatically yelling "Yes, yes! Fuck my income harder with your big, Norse taxes!" It is, I think that you will agree, a horrible image: think of it as my gift to you.

Following the inspiration of the Swedish model will turn Brown from a great chancellor into a genuine Labour leader

Really? In that case, we are all fucked. There are certain signs that would indicate that this is the case, certain parallels with that great Labour leader, Callaghan: the faltering economy, the vast public debt, the profligate public spending and the increasingly restive unions. Yes, I would say that Gordo is going to be a very Labour leader.

Still, Polly obviously sees it as a good thing; in fact, her knickers are, by the sound of it, instantly absolutely sopping whenever Gordo speaks.

The light shines on Gordon Brown tomorrow.

Christ, she really is on a hair-trigger, eh?

On this, his big day, the rabble behind him needs rousing from its gloom. They will be looking for hopeful portents for his coming reign among the cryptic messages in his fortune cookies, and he will enjoy himself.

I think that he always has enjoyed himself: after all, it's not his money that he is spending, is it? For instance, his pension is safe; he hasn't minded screwing over the rest of us, the one-eyed cunt.

Remember how, only a few months ago, enemies were circling with sharpened knives (not all from other parties), eagerly waiting for him to tumble into a black hole of hubris.

Yup, and some of us haven't stopped, Pol. Hey, take your hand out of your knickers, woman!

But hey presto, the black hole has gone already.

Well, apart from the fucking massive black hole in the public finances, of course. What are we now: £16 billion in debt? And, if you count the PFI projects, considerably more: Private Eye onservatively estimates that PFI projects count for spending of near £60 billion that doesn't appear on the government balance sheet.

Even the Institute of Directors, the Federation of Small Businesses and the British Chambers of Commerce admit - though gritted teeth - he has delivered what all businesses need most: stability and low interest rates.

No, he hasn't. He did one good thing: he gave the Bank of England their independence. It is they who have kept the interest rates low, and this is not entirely a good thing. Apart from anything else, Gordo redefined how inflation was measured—using a method that, just for starters, did not include house prices. Or, luckily for him, energy prices—and so has been able to say that inflation is... well... basically what he says it is. On the other hand, personal and company bankruptcies were at a record high last year. Oh, yes, and now even small companies have to pay 20% on their first £10,000 profit when that first bit of profit used to be tax-free. Once again, Gordo disincentivises businesses from investing money, and therefore growing. The fuckwit.

The economy is on the up after the shortest of blips...

Really, Polly? How do you know? Because, back in December, Gordo predicted near 3% growth this year? But... but... he did that last year, Pol, and it was a lie then. There is stuff all indication that the economy is on the up; actually, with the massive energy price rises—partly caused by Gordo's raid on North Sea oil and gas company profits at the last budget—many businesses are more under pressure than ever. That is what I'm hearing here, on the ground, in business, Polly; not up in the journalistic ivory tower with a Gordon-shaped dildo up my hole

...more people in jobs than ever, with the unemployment rise probably only a lag from last year's dip.

Well, again, this isn't quite true, Polly, you lackwit bumpkin. Unemployment figures may be down, but that does not mean more people in jobs. It does mean more people on Disability Benefit, for instance, who are not counted amongst the unemployed. David Blunkett himself, on his—beautifully brief—return to the Cabinet, said that he intended to get at least 1 million people off Disability Benefit. Even he knew that the majority of the 2.5 million claiming DB are actually capable of working. And there are many more "hidden" unemployed: one Spectator columnist thought that the true percentage of unemployed in this country was, credibly, not far off France's 10%.

Tax receipts are flowing nicely again.

Yup, because Gordo has slapped tax on every fucking thing in sight including, as I said, the first £10k of business profit which wasn't taxed before. There goes some poor worker's pay rise, you silly fucking bitch.

People used to laugh when Brown bombastically promised to end boom and bust: it was once the natural British economic weather. Who's having the last laugh now?

Well, it certainly isn't businessmen, or pensioners, or NHS patients. Nor is it the debt-laden students or the thousands of illiterate school-leavers. The only way that Gordon has attempted to end boom and bust is by spending billions of pounds of everybody else's money: he cannot go on spending at that rate without either raising taxes again or by borrowing more. And even the British government has a credit limit, and with the IMF having already slapped Gordo on the wrist for his profligate spending and the City having raised the interest rates on gilts, one wouldn't imagine that his credit limit is too far away.

City opponents have redoubled their assaults, sensing that a Tory victory is not impossible. Ernst & Young is quoted all over the rightwing press with a spurious calculation that households now pay "the equivalent of" £9,000 extra tax under Labour. Weasel words, "the equivalent of". That would be the case only if every household earned the same and paid the same taxes, rolling in business and all other taxes.

Businesses pay higher taxes, the price of their products is therefore higher than would otherwise be the case, and therefore households end up paying more. It always comes back to individuals, or households if you like, paying the taxes in the end, Pol.

But that's nonsense in this wildly unequal society. Brown's tax credits mean the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (hardly a lefty outfit) finds that net tax paid by an average working family has halved since 1997.

I'd dearly love to see how that works out. One assumes that Gordo's tax credits are shoved in there somewhere (which Wat Tyler estimated costs us all £5-£6 billion a year in "fiscal churn") and, yes, many are laying less tax. Unfortunately, that is being paid for by those who, whilst earning more, are still not necessarily earning enough to be able to afford the extra costs with which they have been burdened.

Digby Jones, business's strident platoon leader, protests about "rising" corporation tax with equally bogus figures. But Labour cut it by 3% in 1999, and it remains the lowest in the G7 - lower even than in the US - and plumb in the middle of the EU 25.

But, Polly, as I have already pointed out, Gordo has done everything but actively raise the basic rate; he has cut the rate, but also the exemptions. And he is screwing over small businesses while he does it.

The most bizarre complaints warn that the chancellor's tax-avoidance clampdown is in danger of frightening off the mega-rich and their businesses. Siren voices warn that if he tightens the screw too hard, he will end up collecting less, not more, as the rich depart for tax-havens. Even the exceedingly low 40% top rate is not enough: they want to avoid that too.

Is that tax havens like the one that Mapely Steps, the company to which he sold the Inland Revenue's buildings, is resident in? That sort of tax haven? Quite apart from that, have you seen the state of the tech and manufacturing industry at the moment, Polly. Over the span of this Labour government, Scotland's "silicon glen", just for instance, has become "unemployed workers and closed factories glen" as foreign companies depart for countries such as Estonia (who tax re-invested company profits at 0%).

As for the "exceedingly low" 40%, have you learnt nothing from Lawson's experience? He certainly did: he dropped the top rate of tax from 60% to 40% and tax receipts rose, Polly, you fucking no-nothing moron. And it's not just that tax, it is also the NICs contributions, which have seriously affected employment prospects for our workers ad helped to drive away foreign investment. God, you are such a silly bitch.

In an annual cat-and-mouse game, the chancellor tries to keep up with the latest scams cooked up by the crafty lawyers of the grossly overpaid to find barely legal ways round tax law. The Treasury is always one step behind. However, Brown has so far recaptured a handsome £4.5bn - though that's small potatoes compared with the billions that slip his grasp.

Well, if Gordon tried simplifying the fucking tax laws, then he might find it easier to close these loopholes.

(How it would encourage the Labour benches to hear him spit out an acid remark about outof- control rewards at the top and their corrosive social effects.)

Given Gordo's own not insubstantial renumeration, plus his handsome index-linked tax-payer funded pension, perhaps even Gordo feels that that would be one piece of hypocrisy too far.

But Brown has earned the right to strut at the dispatch box. For one day his party can forget its fratricidal sleaze woes and revel in how well it has done with this most successful chancellor.

Oh, yes, the party has done very well, but then they are pretty well insulated from the fat cunt's worse depredations. Whilst the rest of us look forward to a future of impoverishment, they can look forward to a fat public-sector pension and guaranteed yearly pay rise.

They will look across at George Osborne, making it daily more transparent that Conservative policies have barely changed in essentials. His "Ten Policy Changes for the Budget" begins with a rousing demand to cut taxes - or "share the proceeds of growth", which means the same thing.

Good. I might even consider voting for him then.

He calls for a stop to all public-sector employment, which means cutting spending.

Polly, I don't know if you noticed but, recently, an NHS hospital said that it could cut 1,000 jobs without affecting frontline services. Now, either they were lying (admittedly very probable) or there were 1,000 people employed who were non-essential to the running of the hospital. So, why the fuck were they employed, you hideous Gorgon of fuckwittedness. Why were they employed? Why were they employed on our money to provide non-essential services, you cunting baboon of stupidity?

His call to stop targeting cash at the poorest pensioners and give more to the richer tells the same story: for the first time ever, under Brown pensioners are less likely to be poor than the rest of the population.

Have you got any evidence for that, Polly? Seriously?

Tackle carbon emissions, Osborne tells the chancellor, though he would abolish the climate-change levy on business responsible for 40% of Labour's carbon cuts. Listening to Osborne we hear beyond the airy pleasantness of Cameron's aspirational riffs. The old anti-state drumbeat thuds beneath everything they say: shrink the state, leave it all to private and voluntary sectors.

Yes, please. The state is fucking useless. They couldn't run a fucking lemonade stall, let alone anything else.

Douglas Alexander, the Europe minister close to Brown, is just back from Sweden... "Sweden," Alexander says, "has an economic and social model that proves the Conservatives entirely wrong. With a growth rate of 3.5%, and unemployment falling to near 5%, they are doing superbly in the global economy. No, I'm not saying we are heading for their higher tax rates, but they show how to prosper with strong public spending."

Yes, but, just for instance, their government doesn't run their schools. Their schools are private, Polly, and the state issues vouchers: why? Because it's more efficient that way. Are we considering anything similar here? No.

No, Brown will not turn Swedish in one spasm. It took the Social Democrats nearly 70 unbroken years of steady progressive government to reach this civilised state of relative equality, high living standards, excellent public services - and high happiness ratings. It needs citizens who want to travel that way.

I, for one, don't. I want to keep the money that I earn, thank you very much.

It needs trust in government, which semi-anarchic Britain and its poisonous rightwing, anti-state press forever undermines. (Yes, scandals all governments have, in Sweden too.)

That's right, chaps: lie back and think of England whilst NuLabour ministers take turns to viciously rape you up the arse. And raid your wallet whilst so doing.

Sweden reminds the UK how much is still to be done - and it costs money.

Which is why I am sure that Polly pays fully 80% of her fucking massive earnings to the government; so that they may begin the good work and so that Polly can spout all of this shit with a clear conscience. Look, Polly, you frigid, scabby, old cunt, I am unwilling to donate massive amounts of my money to public services because I don't fucking well use them. I have not been to a doctor for over six years (and I had to pay for my prescription), I don't have children, I use no public service. Even the buses that I use, and they are pretty good, are privately run. Why the hell should I go without food or a drink so that other people can use these services? Yes, that is a selfish attitude, but fuck it; I consider it justice: I keep what I earn and I spend it how I see fit.

Take Sure Start children's centres, Labour's best idea to prevent children failing, with an offer of a cornucopia of care to see they arrive in primary school ready to learn and thrive (there's little hope of saving many after that). But rolling out a centre in every neighbourhood is stretching funds to breaking point, and too many mothers still can't get the affordable childcare promised to let them work. Every child that needs but doesn't get a speech therapist in the critical developmental months is another child lost. This flagship programme needs decades of Swedish-style investment, since, along with tax credits lifting children out of poverty, here is Labour's future.

As I recall, the last report into the Sure Start programme was actually inconclusive about it's benefits. I know that ChickenYoghurt is very keen on it, but is the central running of it really the very best way of doing so? And again, why should I pay so that others can afford to have children?

And that's only one example. Think of children in care, still failing miserably for lack of therapy and education. Or the 80,000 criminals in prison released to reoffend over and over for the same reason. Wherever you look you see what's been started but not nearly finished.

Actually, you are entirely correct, Polly. It is, in fact, a signature trait of this government: they cannot finish anything. Look at the House of Lords; I don't trust these fuckers to reform the House properly (and I didn't think that it needed reform in any case), but it was half-done, and then they got distracted and moved onto something else—an omission that they must be regretting now! Look at devolution; another half-arsed solution with no practical answer, still, to the West Lothian question.

This budget may be steady-state on tax and spend, celebrating a soft landing after minor turbulence, but how it would raise spirits if the chancellor would suggest Sweden as the chosen model for his coming time. There will be budget surprises - there always are. But Labour now needs a clearer direction of travel to recover from its current drift.

To be honest, Polly—and I'm being quite serious about this—it is not the Swedes that this government reminds me of: it is the Nazis. They too tried to revive, successfully for a while, a moribund (at best) economy by vast public spending programmes. They too tried to bind their country together by demonising a certain section of the population (Jews in the case of the Nazis, Muslims in the case of Nulabour), by pursuing wars outside (WWII for the Nazis; the Balkans, Iraq, Afghanistan and Sierra Leone for Blair's merry crew) and allying themselves with a larger power (USSR, US). More importantly, the Nazis tried to ensure that everybody looked to the state for succour and attempted to control their population through the close management of the media; indeed, these two things are a central tenet of fascism.

Fascism is also typified by totalitarian attempts to impose state control over all aspects of life: political, social, cultural, and economic. The fascist state regulates and controls (as opposed to nationalizing) the means of production. Fascism exalts the nation, state, or race as superior to the individuals, institutions, or groups composing it. Fascism uses explicit populist rhetoric; calls for a heroic mass effort to restore past greatness; and demands loyalty to a single leader, often to the point of a cult of personality.

Which makes you, Polly, a supporter of fascists and, therefore, a fascist yourself. Please go away and die, you rancid, old hag. Or go and live in fucking Sweden, if it is so perfect. Believe me, I'll stump up for your ticket.

And... Oh dear... you've got Gordon all mucky; why don't you go wash him under the tap; you must take care of your big, Norse warrior...

For more, see Mr Eugenides and Timmy.