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Is that an Olsen hiding behind the ass of Nick Cannon? Silly Olsen, cameras are for paparazzi! In other news...

~ Which Supermodel Has Brain Damage? ~ ABH
~ Aniston Boobs Poke Out to Say Hi ~ DSF
~ I'm Over Mandy Moore ~ Websters
~ Jodie Marsh: Boobs, Cameltoe, Class ~ CS
~ Celebrity Sex Game ~ Ayyyy
~ Happy Birthday Lil Kim, You Skank ~ POTP
~ What is Selena Gomez? ~ NinjaDude

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OK Magazine is doing all their fancy reporting and claiming that Britney has finally given up her hopes and dreams of getting full custody of her kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One." Here's what KFed's attorney, Mark Kaplan, had to say:

"At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner."

Yowza. They, like, never not give full custody to the mother unless she's a complete crackhead. Just saying. At least Britney can focus on getting herself healthy again and by "getting herself healthy again" I really mean "focus on keeping her vaginastein in her pants." She should just whip herself up a new batch of babies y'all! It worked for Jamie Lynn. If she's having a difficult time finding a partner to impregnate her she can always go to a public bathroom and sit her bare ass on the seat. She's likely to get pregnant then. At least that's what my 8th grade nun told the girls in my class right before recess one day. Must be true!

My favorite Lohan, Dinasaur Lohan, is doing her damnedest to keep herself and her kids out of the spotlight. Ways in which she does this includes, but are not limited to, (1) starring in her own reality show in which all of her children (minus) Lindsay are featured and (2) making sure she hits the red carpet for some paparazzi photos with her son, Michael Jr, at the Sephora 10th Anniversary party in NYC. Good job Dinasaur! I'm sure you won't get hounded by the paparazzi anymore with this new strategy that you've implemented.

Anyway, at the Sephora 10th Anniversary party was also Lindsay, but she didn't arrive with her mom Dina or her brother. Lindsay No Pants was on the red carpet accompanied by literally hundreds of thousands of freckles, a Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love" back up dancers sparkly rainbow (subliminal message) dress, and a Freddie Krueger hat. Inside her alleged lover, Samantha Rotten, was working inside the DJ booth, but would come out every once in a while to check on Linds.

Now I have a question. Does Dinasaur know her hair doesn't look real? Not even a little. For decades men have been made fun of when their toupees don't look real so I think it's only fair that we turn the tables on "women's toupees" that look like someone stapled 15 Barbie heads to their scalp.

P.S --> Where was Ali? I will assume she's taking this opportunity to get a nose job.

So I would like to classify this news story as "WTF," "Who Gives a F," and more importantly, "I'm a Loser." Now that that's settled, has anyone been watching the new season of "Run's House" on MTV? Like the TV tool bag I am, I've been watching. Did anyone else notice that the LA apartment that the girls (Vanessa and Angela) now live in looks just like Lauren and Audrina's old apartment on "The Hills" a season ago (minus the gray walls)? Well, when you're life is as sad as mine you notice these things. It's not like it's a big deal, but I sorta feel like it's like I found "Waldo" in a world full of red-striped sweaters. Even the outside of their apartment complex looks a lot like that of good old douche-bag Lauren's old stomping grounds. All I really have as proof is some of these photos from the show, my cutting and pasting skills, a bright blue arrow, and my memory....oh, and my loserishness. I was waiting to see Heidi's mom's "special painting" up against the wall at any second. Maybe Heidi's old dog and Lauren's old cat still live there. Either way, I'll be looking for them.

However, hot peppers are still being looked at cautiously as they may be the culprit. Although, they thought tomatoes were the culprit at one point. We also thought there were weapons of mass destruction at one point too. Sure they're two different departments of the government, but there are 2 lessons to learn here:

1. The government thinks a lot of things that aren't true. The US has officially become the "Star Magazine" of the world.


2. I would just stick with eating tomatoes and only tomatoes. Every other edible food can and will eventually possibly kills us. Enjoy!

Oh, and as a side note that little mistake that the government made only cost the tomato industry $100 million. No big deal. If they were smart they would say that it's actually cigarettes that probably had the salmonella. But who am I to give ideas. I just write about Olsen's and such.

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Happy Friday and welcome back to everyone's favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Poshtoria Spice and Queen Latifah...this time last year...

What a fun celebrity world it must be. Poshtoria and David Beckham were doing a little shopping (because clearly they don't already have enough stuff) at the high-end "H Lorenzo" in West Hollywood when they ran into Queen Latifah. Poshtoria and Queen Latifah semi-awkwardly embraced. I seriously think that Poshtoria thought she could "catch fat" from Queen Latifah if she hugged her too tight. I mean, there was a study that just came out that said that obesity could be contagious. Maybe she heard about that? Perhaps she thought Latifah would break her in two. I think a firm hand-shake and a "ta" would have been enough for the British. Oh well, I continue to learn each and every day.

Ah there she is. I'm pretending she's singing to me my favorite romantic song, "Smack My Bitch Up." Dancing With the Stars alum, turned country music singer, turned my future girlfriend, turned my future wife, turned my future ex-wife because all of a sudden one of the Olsen Sluts finally came to their senses and took me under their wing, Julianne Hough was performing some of her latest songs at the ABC portion of the Television Critics Association Press Tour that was held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills 90210.

So who else was in attendance to discuss their shows on ABC and watch a little of Julianne Hough being as sexy as all get out? Well that would be Ashton Kutcher who was sporting a Red Sox hat (bandwagon jumper), Zach Braff and Sarah Chalke (to talk about their new season of "Scrubs" which moves from NBC to ABC), Michael Imperioli (to discuss his new show "Life on Mars") and a few other randoms. The point is that Julianne Hough was there and that's all that matters. Oh and she sang her song "Life on Mars." Oh wait and there's a new show coming out called "Life on Mars." I get it.

These photos are just the beginning. Once Heidi worms and/or sing-dances her way into the White House just think of all the "tagging" Spencer can do all over the place? There will be press conferences in which Heidi can clear up any issues with Lauren and Audrina. And think of all the seagulls Heidi can chase on the front lawn of the White House while Spencer videotapes her new music videos. I mean at this point Bin Laden will basically just turn himself in.

All kidding aside, what kind of a world do we live in when a reality star is hanging out with a presidential candidates daughter? It's like if Bush's daughters were hanging out with Paris and Nicky Hilton at Hyde while he was campaigning. No wonder why 99% of the others countries out there hate the United States. Now, thanks to Heidi, even the United States hates the United States.

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Yeah! Donna-Jo Tanner! Ow Ow! DJ is totally making some sort of comeback and I couldn't be more psyched. I'm writing my letter to Santa asking that Candace Cameron gets to play Aunt Becky's daughter in the new 90210. What? Crazier things have happened. Anytanner, Candace Cameron was at the 2008 ESPY Awards Giant event the other day.

Damn. DJ is looking pretty good. She's come a long way from when she was all nervous about making friends at middle school and taking her lunch tray into the school phone booth and calling the "time and temperature"lady because she had no friends. Where was Kimmy Gibbler at a time like that? That's what I want to know! DJ was having a hard enough time dealing with having those "chipmunk cheeks" as she put it. Hasn't she suffered enough? What the hell am I talking about again? What's the topic? I'm done.

How many seasons of America's Next Top Model have there been? 4 or 5 dozen? ANTM Season (insert correct answer here ___) winner Caridee English stole Tyra's weave, let her cameltoe pop, showed off her bruised leg, and took some awkward pictures with Rumer Willis at the Power of Paws party at the Heather Mills Gallery in NYC. So, uh, Caridee is a model right? This poor girl can't catch a break. Every picture I see of her looks not so flattering in the "pretty" department. I said it before and I'll say it again, Caridee English has Heidi Montag written all over her. It could be worse, she could be the girl 2 people over from her.

In other Caridee English news, because that actually does exist, Caridee has been rumored to have been making out with Ryan Sheckler from MTV's Life of Ryan at some club in NYC recently. Ryan had said about Caridee, "She wasn't so great with the conversation either."

Really? That's hard to believe. She's not so great with the "picture taking" either.

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