The Secret Diary of Prime Minister John Key, aged 47⅓
POLITICS RINGSIDE - BOB JONES
The Dominion Post | Friday, 05 December 2008THURSDAY
Helen C. phoned – v. helpful re Apec - said avoid Somare - only demand money - wrote it down in case forget - H. said should have made English foreign minister - can't plot leadership coup when always abroad - said worked with Winston - never here to cause trouble - what about last 3 months, I asked - shocked H's bad language when mentioned this.
FRIDAY
Flew to LA - bloody Air NZ - camp steward earbashed me - no sleep - got to Lima - motorcade with sirens ruined by Murray - had arranged meeting with Somare but not Bush, like I told him.
SATURDAY
Somare came to suite - hid in cupboard - Murray told him I called away for crisis - stayed in room all day to dodge him - watched re-runs of I Love Lucy - quite good.
SUNDAY
Wore orange tie - gave brilliant speech - Murray hammered Espiner re TV coverage. Group photo - tried to stand next to Bush - bloody photographer put me next to Somare - asked for money - told him foreign aid under review, like H. said.
MONDAY
Must buy Murray atlas - wanted to go to Cuzco - said no as can't speak Peruvian - Murray talked nonsense - thinks we're in Spain. Need Cabinet reshuffle - shift Murray to Arts Ministry and avoid embarrassment.
TUESDAY
Flew to London - wore green striped tie - bloody Air NZ - camp steward tried to tuck me in when went to bed - cockup by high commission - no motorcade - poor show - went shopping - bought 2 ties - one blue stripes, another blue & white check - Murray bought complete set of Jeffrey Archer - good to have literary types in Cabinet, raises tone.
WEDNESDAY
Met Queen & Duke - wore dotted green tie - cup of tea, no lunch - think they might be ga-ga - couldn't understand anything I said - Queen asked about weather in NZ - Duke said bloody hell, stood up and meeting ended. V. odd.
THURSDAY
Went to Downing Street - wore grey silk tie - chap called Nigel gave me tea - insisted on stirring my sugar - extremely interested in my views - ended up no time for Gordon - just photographs - Gordon bared teeth at me - v. scary - Murray nicked teaspoon - wouldn't have minded one myself.
Murray threatened Espiner - no more trips if visit to Gordon not lead on TV news - terrible dinner at high commission - pity Jonathan not still there for decent banquet.
FRIDAY
Met All Blacks at rugby ball thing - Queen came - asked about weather in NZ again - lunatic called Borat Johnson there - Murray said he's London mayor but I suspect leg-pull.
SATURDAY
Flew home - bloody Air NZ - camp steward asked if needed help when I went to toilet - wanted to go Air Singapore for pretty hostesses, Murray said bad look - can't trust Espiner - Murray finished whole Jeffrey Archer - need more intellectuals in Cabinet like him - read a book once, now too busy.
MONDAY
Cabinet meeting - wore tartan tie - bloody English wasted hour on financial crisis - showed firm leadership - what can we do about it, I said - turned discussion to serious matter - winning next election.
Murray said must keep Maori Party on side to win next time. Brilliant idea from Paula - free breakfast in bed for Maoris - also solve looming unemployment problem with breakfast makers and deliverers. Maori Party now in bag for sure.
Finlayson v. helpful. Said face value assessment almost certainly a Treaty obligation. Bloody English moaned about cost - complained about Maoris in remote places - said would sprout whole new grievance industry if don't get free breakfast in bed too.
Gerry to the rescue - said we'd pay compensation - more grizzling about cost from bloody English - showed firm leadership - said that's why he thrashed in 2002 - no vision.
Firm leadership worked - English came to office later - v. humble - got me to sign painting for Gore charity auction - went to bed happy now English sorted.
50 Comment(s)
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I think you should give Private Eye a little credit for the idea:
http://openlibrary.org/b/OL7815022M
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#1 Posted by Rich — 09:23 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Fantastic. More please!
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#2 Posted by Mams — 09:29 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
I see this is meant to be funny...but it simply isn't. Looks like it's trying to copy the style of Alastair Campbell in his Diaries ("The Blair Years"), but is not done well at all.
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#3 Posted by Andy — 09:33 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Ha Classic Jonesy!! "Murray nicked teaspoon - wouldn't have minded one myself." so Key...
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#4 Posted by Rangi — 09:36 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Loved it...now I wonder how many of our brilliant citizens will think it gospel lol..
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#5 Posted by Jo — 09:38 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Ummm.... what the...
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#6 Posted by Ian 1985 — 09:39 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Brilliant! :D
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#7 Posted by Dean — 09:39 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
its a rip of the secret diary of adrian mole aged 13 3/4(by sue townsend)
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#8 Posted by Richard Borain — 10:02 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
This is a hoot. Well done Bob.
#3 Andy - Adrian Mole... lighten up.
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#9 Posted by ella — 10:03 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #3
It's meant to copy the style of Adrian Mole diaries, bloody good books
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#10 Posted by Ben — 10:17 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
If Bob Jones has so much time left in his Senior Citizen days, I suggest he spends it wisely sitting next to my master and chatting away over a cup of tea, instead of writing crap like this.
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#11 Posted by Cullen's Sidekick — 10:17 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Great to see we can be less PC and have a laugh at our PM who is doing a superb job. I'm sure John Key would find this incredibly funny, and it's about time we all got on with life, and didn't knock our PM at every opportunity, but saw the humourous side of government. Sure he has some amusing moments, but then there will be some who hate this article, and others who love it. I'm very much a fan of John Key : a positive and driven man, who may make mistakes, but he's human and he admits to his errors (for like us all he's not perfect) ... he's a fine example of how to act in the real world. I'd be fascinated with John's thoughts on this article as I'm sure he would be in fits of laugher at it ... superbly written ...
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#12 Posted by Matthew — 10:19 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Rich - I believe the credit should go to Sue Townsend -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secret_Diary_of_Adrian_Mole,_Aged_13%C2%BE
Andy - It is funny, and again if it's a copy of anything it's Adrian Mole, you're not being a fanboy are you?
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#13 Posted by Adrian_Mole_for_the_win! — 10:37 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Pretty poor attempt at humor. Not to mention the questionable originality of the piece. Don't quit your day job.
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#14 Posted by V Unit — 10:42 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #3
I think you are being unkind, sure it might not be original but it is certainly funny. Well done Bob, I doubt you'll want to continue it but someone should think about picking it up and extending it - maybe Espiner could have a go.
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#15 Posted by Russell — 10:45 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Excellent, well done. Notice how nobody ever mocked Helen Clark for being stupid. Glad even those on the right now recognise how smart and intellectual "Jun Kuy" really is.
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#16 Posted by james — 10:53 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
V. funny
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#17 Posted by SJB — 11:06 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
A sad pastiche of borrowed unfunny non-ideas. Not one of his best and he is objective enough to know. The real humor comes from laughing at the Dompost people who pay for this nonsense. Bob may be one of them of course.
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#18 Posted by Robin — 11:10 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
haha, JK as Adrian Mole, classic...Prime-ministerial angst...love it.
Andy - Perhaps you should try reading a book or two, you may even become a "literary type" like Murray....
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#19 Posted by Simon DC — 11:12 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Now, I don't know much about satire, but Richard Meros he aint.
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#20 Posted by Ken Slugg — 11:14 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #8
I was thinking of the exact same book when I was reading this ...
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#21 Posted by Alex — 11:21 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Bob Jones, I think I love you
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#22 Posted by Laura — 11:32 AM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Bob Jones phoning it in.
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#23 Posted by Michael — 12:30 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Very original (not). Noelle got done on RNZ for less.
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#24 Posted by stephen — 12:49 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #3
Do you not understand it Andy... or has Christmas taken all your fun and laughter?
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#25 Posted by Kris — 13:11 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
This was brilliant. Andy clearly has not read Adrian Mole.
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#26 Posted by Sally — 13:24 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Cheap shots always good for a laugh. Can't wait for references to property developers, ex pugs and part time commentators.
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#27 Posted by Kevin Conaghan — 13:54 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #3
Brush up your sense of humour laddie....It really is funny and well done....if you think you hear echoes ....face it nothing is really original....I hope this writer continues...
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#28 Posted by Jon — 14:01 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
the problem with this, is that someone might actually believe it's real......
good for a laugh
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#29 Posted by d — 14:17 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Can this guy please acquire another company or something, give himself something else to do?
I imagine there are a few going cheap at the moment...
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#30 Posted by Dan — 14:19 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #3
I concur. This is painful.
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#31 Posted by Jennifer — 14:23 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
"Queen asked about weather in NZ - Duke said bloody hell, stood up and meeting ended. V. odd." Come on, can't you just see that happening??? Hilarious. The concept might not be original but the content is. Very clever, good stuff. Never mind the knockers Bob, a hangover from 9 years of nanny state.
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#32 Posted by Brett — 15:17 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Do all the people on here who kiss up to Bob Jones think he's going to invest in their latest hair-brained scheme or something?
Oh wait...
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#33 Posted by Ace — 15:35 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Pathetically unfunny, lacking any style or real wit - product of a brain in regression, Bob Jones should stick to Finance. Satirical commentator he is not. Perhaps he should take a few lessons from Jane Clifton if he must persist in his delusionary belief that he is capable of writing this kind of humour
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#34 Posted by Caroline — 15:52 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Brilliant!!
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#35 Posted by Rich — 16:06 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #1
I agree, not a bad attempt but Private Eye does it better.
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#36 Posted by Mike — 16:32 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #24
Actually Stephen, Noelle got done for something totally different, but why let the details get in the way eh?
If you can't tell the difference between satire and plagiarism then I'd suggest you start by looking up the dictionary definitions for both of them and take it from there.
Copying someones style (as he has done) is not the same as taking someones content...
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#37 Posted by Scott — 16:46 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Free breakfast in bed... hahaha
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#38 Posted by Spanners Watson — 17:23 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #5
You mean it isn't??
;-)
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#39 Posted by Betty Blu — 18:37 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #32
Yeah, it can't possibly be because it sucks. Which it does. A lot.
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#40 Posted by Michael — 18:55 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
Soooo funny! Please do more of this.
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#41 Posted by Jackie — 20:03 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #34
Look forward to more observations from our yuppie PM.
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#42 Posted by joe — 20:42 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
I think Bob is the one going ga-ga churning out rubbish like this. He used to be quite witty.
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#43 Posted by Ron — 20:45 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #5
Probably all the morons who voted for him will think its gospel!
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#44 Posted by Unionman — 23:44 PM | Friday , 05 December 2008
In response to #3
Or, uh, the Adrian Mole Diaries?
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#45 Posted by Miranda — 00:50 AM | Saturday , 06 December 2008
Friday: Interviewed B. Jones as part of "search for tory humour bone" campaign. Cringeworthy. Still flogging lefty ideas and trying to impress with total lack of talent. Might have to be decisive and abandon this and stick to just flogging lefty policy and smiling. Seems to work with media so far.
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#46 Posted by ak — 00:58 AM | Saturday , 06 December 2008
its surprising how naive john key is!
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#47 Posted by ben — 02:40 AM | Saturday , 06 December 2008
Classic! Irony is it's probably a lot closer to how John Key thinks than we realise!
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#48 Posted by Louise — 03:28 AM | Saturday , 06 December 2008
I'm not a fan of Bob Jones' politics, but I like his columns and I thought this rip of Private Eye's Rip of Adrian Mole's Diary was funny and well done. Good Job, but less is more and it wouldn't be a s entertaining if there were more of it.
Funny and observant, though.
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#49 Posted by crunt — 03:40 AM | Saturday , 06 December 2008
Always enjoy a giggle, like the reference to Murray's literary prowess reading Archer.
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#50 Posted by Nathan Hook — 05:51 AM | Saturday , 06 December 2008