The Assimilated Negro

So I mentioned a new weekly feature I'm doing on Gawker, it's called Ghetto Pass. Basically TAN gives you a tour of the ghetto in the style of Frommer's. First installment is about the Ghetto Chinese Spot.

The Ghetto Chinese Spot (GCS) is a culinary institution that transcends race, cultures, and partisan politics. If you need cheap (Go Democrats!!), like your Chinese highly Americanized (Go Lucy Liu!!), or could go for a nap (Go 'Itis!!), this Shangri-la of trans fat is your target destination. Feed your family of five, and put them to bed all for $10 or less.

So look for that today, and every Thurs. going forward.

There's always excess with these things, so here was a section that I cut:

I mentioned the GCS transcends race. This means everyone is welcome, but it doesn’t mean everyone is treated the same. Here’s a handy greetings-demographic guide so you know what to expect:

• White Male/Female: “Hello, how are you, may I take your order.”
• Black Male/Female: “Hi.” *look of cautious consternation
• Black male age 15-19: “We don’t want no trouble, you get food, but you no eat here!”
• Asian Male/Female: Unintelligible language. Possibly Chinese.

Ghetto Pass [Gawker]
I'm Not Sure If Frommer's Has Actually Been To NYC [TAN]

So I'm doing this little feature for Gawker soon (foreshadow), and for it I was checking out Frommer's NYC online to get a reference. And I start reading the first section in the introduction, Frommer's Favorite Experiences, and I felt compelled to post two of the more disputable entries here.

First, here's one I didn't have a problem with:

Visiting the Empire State Building Observatory at Dusk: Like the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, once again the tallest building in New York, is one of the city's definitive icons. Arrive at dusk and watch the lights of the city come on. It's pure magic.

WTF?!!? - Perhaps not edgy enough for for hardcore bloggers and blog-readers like you and me, but ok, fine, it's a guide book and I'll accept it.

But these two I have a problem with:

Taking the subway to Yankee Stadium for a Yankee game: It doesn't sound very intriguing, does it? Good or bad, there's nothing like being crammed into a subway car packed with rabid Yankee fans. And it's an experience you'll not soon forget.

WTF?!!?: Ok, can I answer the first question please? What's that Fromm, you say it was rhetorical? Well, can I just say that I don't know the formula for measuring the "Intrigue Factor," but I know the coefficient for intrigue on taking the subway must be ZERO. So something like [(0)x + 0 = Subway Intrigue] seems appropriate. Second, I don't think there's any moral ambiguity when it comes to being "crammed" in a "subway" with "rabid Yankees fans" Even rabid yankee fans would deem this "hellish" at best. Imagine looking into a guide book and seeing, "good or bad, being raped and then eaten alive by a pack of wolves is an experience you'll not soon forget." Same thing basically. For those of you coming to NYC, the subway is not a spa.


Walking 125th Street: Take a walk across this famous Harlem boulevard and your senses will be assaulted from the music, the variety of stores, the restaurants, the impromptu stalls selling everything from homemade CDs to fresh bean pies, the street prophets and musicians; the energy on this street is relentless.

WTF?!!?: First of all, don't even try to act like we didn't see you unnecessarily slipping in the word "assaulted" into something about Harlem. That's class action right there. Ain't no one trying to be assaulted by music. And what the f is an "impromptu stall." Vendors or street vendors will do fine. Of course both of those pale in comparison to "street prophets." Like the n-word, some people can use a term like "street prophets" and not sound like a racist asshole. Nas comes to mind. But not you Frommie. Let's try and be evenhanded with this tourist info going forward. Thanks.

MP3 File


some people gonna know just what I’m talking about
usually play the cool cat
one time I opened my mouth
yo, check the setting
my best friend’s wedding
she’s getting married
this guy named Larry
and yeah
that’s kind of lucky since I'm trying to rhyme
but I'm saying, this is all fact
for those checking the time
it’s 1:30
hmmm, think I'll drink early
a little Ketel-1
then a little bit of flirty
talking to some girlies
start feeling nervy
said “fcuk this wedding”
not sure anybody heard me
but I did
and I found it disturbing
anger. guilt. fear.
not quite sure of the wording
but I felt something
know it’s best to say nothing
but ...
i’m just fronting
unless I say something
what …
here she come walking
the organ is playing
priest started talking
next thing you know I was saying …

[Chorus]

there was silence
[]
then a wisecrack
“what the fuck was that”
said someone in the back
and I was like
“come on baby
let me talk to the lady
and maybe
we can have jokes later
okay b?”
I turned back and looked her dead in her eyes
she looked back without a hint of surprise
I smiled and said
you know I have the worst timing
you’re probably wondering why now,
and why the fcuk are you rhyming?
if you got something to say
you should just say it
that’s very true
so this last rhyme from me to you
as long as what I bleed
and the seas are blue
and whatever size the jeans
you gotta squeeze into
it’s a dream for two
i’ll flat-leave my crew
jump through hoops
and off the trampoline for you
platonic best friend
so what the fuck am I saying?
got a vodka tonic here that says I ain't even playing

[Chorus]

y'all probably need more story
want a big blaze of glory
n's get degrees, need a f'ing allegory
but when I'm rocking on the beat man
that plan is kind of boring
need some guns, titties, drugs
otherwise I'm snoring
let's get a little blood, make the scene a little gory
one shot to larry's head, dead before he hits the flooring
brains start pouring
crowd starts roaring
cause he's the motherf'ker dead, I'm the one touring...

(holla!)

It’s funny how much time is spent doing nothing. What’s the percentage on that, 30%, 40? No way, gotta be less. Well, depends on the meaning of nothing. Is shitting nothing? Or is shitting something? Sleeping? Thinking? Is there an absolute zero in life? I submit yes. And I bet the number is higher than we would guess.

~~

The most important murder would be the assassination of the question mark. The FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Oh, how I love the question mark. Oh, how I hate the question mark. The question mark builds on the period. You can see it visually, right? It came after the period. It is our first mistake. Original sin. So we correct it. Start anew. No more question marks. No more questions. Paradise ...

~~

At that very moment, Erin bangs on the door and barges in. I instinctively and simultaneously sit up, while reaching for things that need to be concealed. It's a muscle reflex I've had since I was a child, but there's nothing in front of me. So that's slightly annoying. Admittedly I'm a little more jumpy and secretive with Erin. She has a powerful brain, and if she knew everything there is to know about me I'm sure that —

“I need you to get me bags from the grocery store.” She pauses to evaluate my reaction. I look back at her stonefaced. “Like right now. Seriously, it’s important.”

"Ok."

"Here’s the money. Get however many you can get."

She leaves five dollars on the book shelf. The five dollar bill stretches over quite possibly the best stretch of four books in my entire library. Beyond Good & Evil, The Tipping Point, Fight Club, and Ego Trip's Big Book of Racism. And, I guess, it covers a little part of The Idiot also. Which makes it a quality stretch of five books in a row.

Part 1 - The Ashley Judd Paradox
A Photo Essay

Ashley Judd: By any measure a sexy lady.

Part 2 - From Shawshank Redemption To No-Ass Detention
Morgan Muses On A Career Of Missed Opportunities ...

Avis Yarborough put me in the Blog Spotlight for Associated Content. And one thing's for certain, I sure know how to ramble.

Thus Spach TANathustra [Associated Content]

Earlier:
TANdemic [The Blog Reader]

Related on TAN:
Interview With A Man Who Never Moves Into The Center Of The Train
The NeverEnding Interview
TAN Interviews Richard Pryor (RIP)
Interview With The #9
Hybrid-Taxicab Confessions
Interview With A Negro Pig (via VV)

This commercial dropped a few years ago, but the power of youtube allows us to revisit this hall-of-fame clip again-and-again. The "Office Linebacker" premise was golden, but everything is driven by the best individual performance in a commercial ever.

Terry Tate will take over from here.



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Greatest Beatdown Of All Time