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Let us in on incentive package

By LISA GREENE, Times Staff Writer
Published February 2, 2007

Dear Jeb,

So, how does it feel to ride off into the sunset? Looks like you got out just in time to avoid that special session on insurance. Way to go!

I'm writing because, as co-CEO of Our American Family Inc., I read all about your deal with Office Depot, designed to help with its expansion and building a new corporate headquarters.

In case it's slipped your mind, now that you've got more time for golf and deep-sea fishing and all, let me remind you, Jeb: The state and Palm Beach County came up with a cool $15-million incentive package for Office Depot, which is adding 430 employees.

When y'all did this, the company was threatening to go elsewhere, which may be why some details got lost, like the fact that Office Depot was busily laying off other workers and only moving 5 miles away.

I'll cut to the chase. Here at Our American Family Inc., we would like the state to deliver a similar incentive package.

OAFI has done the math for you: $15-million for 430 workers means $34,884 per employee. As we are expecting the imminent expansion of our own workforce, a.k.a. "Project Baby," we feel a $34,884 incentive package would be most helpful.

We realize, of course, Jeb, that you're not governor any more. But we need someone to help us navigate the maze of state bureaucracy. Given your keen interest in corporate incentives, we feel you're just the guy.

Now, let's be clear. Here at OAFI, we're not asking for some kind of government handout. We just want to make sure that the fine state of Florida is aware of our substantial contributions to its all-important economic engine. These include:

-Boosting the statewide per capita consumption of chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream by at least five gallons per month.

-Transforming several South Tampa mom-and-pop stores into budding toy empires, based solely upon increased sales of Webkinz stuffed animals.

-Giving Tampa a national reputation as a footwear mecca due to its skyrocketing sales of ladies' shoes.

Really, Jeb, that's just the beginning. OAFI expects to have an even bigger economic impact in the months to come, as its purchases of organic baby food, designer diapers and Tiffany pacifiers ripple through the South Tampa economy.

We also provide an intangible benefit: the chance for Floridians to observe our unique corporate model.

Here at OAFI, the two CEOs do most of the work. This leaves the workers free to devote their time to creative pursuits, such as digging for buried treasure, pretending to be puppies, and writing lengthy memos on why they need more Webkinz.

Devotees of this style of management have been known to refer to it as "spoiling."

Given OAFI's broad-based economic and cultural impact, we feel that a $34,884 incentive package is quite modest.

But we must mention that, should such a package not be forthcoming, OAFI will be forced to take the same step as Office Depot and consider the benefits of relocation.

Frankly, Jeb, it's not getting any cheaper to live in South Tampa. Have you seen what's happening to property taxes around here?

Now, thanks to our upcoming workforce expansion, two of our best employees will have to share a room. Just keeping employee morale high is likely to require a significant increase to the Webkinz budget.

Although we would hate to take such a step, OAFI may be forced to consider drastic measures, even to the point of - prepare yourself, Jeb - moving NORTH OF KENNEDY.

Now, as you are surely aware, South Tampa is not just the center of Florida, but pretty much of the known universe. So I'm confident you'll do your part to avoid such desperate actions.

Think about it, Jeb. The future of OAFI is in your hands.

[Last modified February 1, 2007, 08:02:03]