Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend (21 M going on 22) and I (21 F going on 22) have been dating for almost six months. We both go to the same university and are in the same program. We’ve known each other and have been close friends since 2021. Whenever we are together, we have a blast and we can talk for hours on FaceTime. The problem is that his parents hate me (as far as I can tell it is because I’m not Catholic, and they have no interest in meeting me) and do not want him to come and visit me over the summer (I live in a different city when I don’t have school). We have had two major disagreements since starting long distance, the first one was more about him freaking out about our relationship and the second one was that he “wasn’t sure” if he wanted to date me because his parents “hate” me. We were mostly able to work out his issues about being in a relationship and he said that he didn’t care what his parents thought (that was about a month ago).
Next week he is/was supposed to come and visit me for the first time since school ended. For the last month, he has been going on and on about how excited he is to see me and how much he misses me, but now he is chickening out because he is worried about what his parents will think. I understand that it is easier for him if his parents are happy with him since he lives with them, but our relationship is not going to work if we do not see each other for four months. My boyfriend also came to my family’s celebration for Easter and stayed over for two nights, so it is not like he hasn’t done it before. I have thought about visiting him, but it is a four-hour drive and I, for obvious reasons, cannot stay with him overnight (my parents are chill with our relationship). I’ve also suggested that we meet halfway between our cities for the day (but his parents still don’t like the idea from what he’s said). He has already canceled the first two plans to see each other (one time was totally his fault—it was when he said that he was not sure about our relationship—and the other time was because his cousins decided that they didn’t want to come into the city).
I don’t know how to deal with him and his flip-flopping decisions. I hate not knowing what is going on. I would rather him make a decision and tell me instead of just receiving maybes and, “I really want to go…” and then canceling at the last minute. I think the aspect that annoys me the most is that I am pretty sure he knows that he is going to cancel before he tells me, so I feel like he is leading me on and wasting my time. I’ve tried asking my parents what they think I should do but they won’t give me a straight answer (they are also annoyed with him because it also affects them and their plans if he is staying over for a weekend). I feel like since going long distance our whole relationship has been on his time and I don’t get a say. I am tired of feeling like I have to constantly wait to find out if he is coming to only have him cancel again at the last possible second. Do you think I should just accept that I will not see him until September and keep the relationship going (because once I am back at school, I think things will return to normal) or break things off?
—I Hate Waiting for Him to Cancel
Dear Hate Waiting for Him to Cancel,
Relationships—especially relationships in your early 20s—are supposed to be about enjoying yourself. That’s tough to do when you’re not in the same place, and even tougher when the primary feelings you’re experiencing are disappointment, insecurity, and anxiety. It really doesn’t matter why your boyfriend is canceling (although I have to say, none of the possibilities point to him being serious about your future together) as much as it matters that this situation sucks for you! I suggest you end things now. After all, if you’re not seeing each other and not communicating well either, things are, in a way, already kind of over. It’s fine to leave open the possibility of dating again when you’re back in the same place. Sometimes this can make a split easier. And you never know what might happen! But if you’re back at school in the fall and you have the option of rekindling with him or exploring things with someone who is reliable, whose parents don’t hate you, and who gives you a feeling of peace, you know what to do.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
I’m considering writing my family off (siblings—my parents are dead, and I love my husband and kids so not them!) but I’m really struggling with it. Here’s the story: I have many siblings and we’ve always been very close. We struggled as kids and had a very traumatic childhood. Both of my parents are dead so it’s just us. So we have bonded and I’ve always felt like they were the only people that understood me. We have the same humor, same interests, etc. BUT, they are all addicts. What was once seemingly OK-ish drinking habits have become stealing, breaking bones, domestic violence, lying, psychiatric hospitals, and terrible, horrible behavior. And it’s not only booze. It’s out of control and it’s all of them. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m tired of listening to why I’m horrible. I’m tired of the phone calls from jail and the women being subject to abuse most of all. Can I just walk away? Can I tell them until they are clean for a year I won’t be planning celebrations nor will they be invited into my home? I’m heartsick about what to do and I’m terrible with boundaries. I need to know what to say and if it’s even appropriate to not speak to them for some time. I’m just so stressed about it and it has taken a toll on my own family.
—No Good at Boundaries
Dear No Good at Boundaries,
The instinct to protect yourself from your family’s chaos is the right one, and I like the spirit of your plan, but I have a few edits. People who are actively abusing drugs and alcohol are notoriously not great at being honest about what they’re doing. So you’d have no way of knowing whether any of your siblings actually clean for a year. And keeping track of that would require you to monitor them way too much. Because of that, I think it makes more sense to set boundaries based on what you don’t want to experience, rather than what substances are in other people’s bodies. This could look like deciding not to:
—Take phone calls from or engage in conversations with people who are being abusive, irrational, or overly dramatic—whether that’s because they’re drunk, high, unwell, or it’s just their personality.
—Allow anyone who has stolen from you, or been violent toward you or anyone else into your home.
—Bail anyone out of jail.
—Serve alcohol at the gatherings you host.
—Engage with your siblings’ updates about crisis and dysfunctional relationships, or any other topic that leaves you feeling like crap.
—Deal with anyone outside your immediate family if it feels too taxing or if you would simply rather spend time with or give attention to your spouse and kids.
This plan doesn’t require a big announcement on the family group chat. Just explain each decision individually to whoever needs to hear it, remembering to focus on your experience and what you’re doing to protect yourself and have a nice day, not on their bad behavior. Also: Join Al-Anon. Then, when you are less stressed and have time, give yourself a pat on the back or let yourself experience some gratitude for the fact that you’re the only one of your siblings who made it out of your shared childhood healthy. And whatever you’ve been doing to take care of that that made that the case, keep doing it.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
I invited one of my friends on a trip, but I am rethinking it. She is older than me, her birthday was last week, and she is always on her phone. I’m scared we won’t have fun, and I don’t want to ruin my trip because I’ve been waiting since SEPTEMBER!!! What should I do?
—Please Help
Dear Please Help,
You already invited her, so don’t cancel now. That would end the relationship, and I don’t think you want to do that over poor phone etiquette. You can do whatever makes the trip fun for you (eating what you want to eat, doing the activities you want to do, wearing the cute outfits and taking the pictures you want to take) even if she’s sitting there watching TikTok the entire time. Enjoy the scenery. Talk to the people next to you at the bar. Rent a bike. Whatever! Most of all, try to let go of the feeling of being scared that you won’t have fun. That is a sure way to be so wound up that you guarantee you won’t have fun, in any circumstance. Replace it instead with the idea that there are good times to be had wherever you go and whoever you’re with, and that you won’t let someone else’s mood or behaviors determine whether you enjoy yourself. Say to yourself: “I’m open to having the experience I’m meant to have.” This will serve you well in the future if your travel companion gets sick from drinking the local water, runs off with someone they met at the pool, or just has a weird attitude. You are really better off if you’re not depending on someone else’s behavior to have a good time, and being able to enjoy yourself wherever you are is kind of a superpower.
That said, give it a little more thought before you make another plan to go out of town with someone. There are a lot of kinds of friends, and only some are ideal travel friends. It does make sense to do trips with those with whom fun is more effortless.
Dear Prudence,
Recently, I invited my sister (Lana) and her family over for a large, social event. Without asking, Lana and my brother-in-law (Gary) drove off in my car and left their kids at my house. When they came back 1.5 hours later, I told them they needed to ask permission next time. Gary said he got my permission to both take the car and leave the kids with me. I stated that he had NOT asked, and my husband confirmed Gary didn’t ask him either. Lana apologized, we accepted, and Gary walked off without a word. Later, when Lana was in the restroom and my husband was outside, Gary called me a liar and an a**hole. I told him I wasn’t going to have this conversation with him, and I tried to walk away. He started yelling at me and blocked the doorway. One of my guests saw what was happening and intervened. I told Lana what happened, and she cut off the conversation immediately.
I haven’t heard from her since. Eventually, she’ll call and pretend nothing happened. This pattern has been going on for 15 years, and I’m 100 percent done. Gary will isolate and verbally harass me at family events or when I’m babysitting their kids. I’ve tolerated it to keep a relationship with my sister and niblings, but this recent event went too far. I told my parents that Gary was not welcome in my home, and I would not attend any family events if Gary was there (with the only exception being Christmas in my parents’ home). My parents were very supportive and understanding until I said I wouldn’t babysit for Lana anymore. Lana will notice, and I plan to be honest about why. My parents begged me to leave the reason unsaid. History has shown that Lana will villainize me and Gary’s behavior will not improve. Lana will undoubtedly cut me off if I maintain my boundaries. I’m honestly OK with that, but my parents have begged me to reconsider for their sake. They see no benefit in being honest because Lana and Gary won’t change, and it closes the door on any potential reconciliations. Are my parents, right? Is there no benefit to be gained by being honest? For the record, I am 100 percent certain that Gary is not abusing Lana or their kids.
—Honestly Will Burn It Down
Dear Honestly,
I don’t know if perhaps there’s a culture of tiptoeing around abusive people in your family, but something is clearly amiss. It wouldn’t make sense to most people that you’re even considering deferring to your parents on this. Or that you’re afraid of conflict when you’re already being screamed at and having your car stolen. You mom and dad are delusional (and not particularly concerned with your well-being) if they think you’re all going to live in harmony after that. I know it must be hard to hear them begging you to keep the peace, but they really should be begging Lana to get her husband under control so the family can gather without an asshole cussing people out.
“Gary isolated and harassed me last time I babysat and after he took my car without permission, so I’m not going to be around him going forward” is your line. If your parents want to be mad at someone for causing tension in the family, it should be the person cussing people out and blocking the driveway. They know that. You know that. Lana knows that. Stop letting her terrible choice in a husband be your problem. I know a fractured relationship with a sibling is no small thing, but the fact that she’s totally fine with her husband bullying you and that you know she would cut you off with no problem tell me that whatever connection the two of you have right now isn’t worth fighting for.
Classic Prudie
I am crafty. In an act of hubris and love, I agreed to DIY my best friend’s wedding dress since she had no budget. It took $100, a dozen thrift stores, 100 hours, and a pint of blood, but I was able to convert an ’80s monstrosity into a rather darling modern frock. She got married and bragged about me on social media, but now everyone and their Aunt Betty is expecting me to do the same for them!